the circle of friendship.

This coming Saturday is the Purity Conference... wow I can't believe how quickly the time went. I remember back in March when I received a phone call asking if I would speak...not once but TWICE. I was shocked. And amazed...and quite excited. Yet I had looked back on my life and the years I wasn't walking with the Lord, and I knew that if I hadn't gone through anything I went through...there would be no way He could use me to minister to my precious sisters. There is SO MUCH that women struggle with when we are walking close knit with the Lord. Actually, women in our society today, Christians or not struggle with a lot. We are told how to act, what to look like, who to date, which friends to associate with, and most of the time we struggle with low self esteem so of course we agree, and do what the world tells us to do.

I have been on my face, in tears, and fasting for these precious women who will be coming this weekend. Not only them, but for ME too. I am a nobody. I'm not worthy enough that God would choose me to speak, yet apparently He just desires that I do it. People come up to me and ask all the time, "Are you scared or nervous? I would have to say no if I was asked!" As I step back and think about that, I can't help but to think how sad that is! All I can reply with is, "No. I'm confidant because I know the Lord has commanded me to do it.. and I have to obey." It isn't a matter of fear, worry, anxiety or stress. The Lord has pressed women around this country on my heart so much the past few years. It's as if I have known women so well, even though I don't... just realizing the struggles I faced before Jesus, and even while walking with Jesus. We have such a high calling to holiness that we don't even realize, ladies. I fail at this every single day. Yet, I am excited about this coming conference, because the Lord has commanded me. These girls are my life. My heart goes out to them immensely.

Not only them... but as I was praying the other day for them, I couldn't help but to be burdened for the women on Campus at CCBC this semester. There is such a need for a lifestyle of holiness to be implemented on our women... and yes, on the men too. Yet, I failed miserably last semester at living a lifestyle of holiness. I can admit, with shame, that I was more concerned with the way I looked rather than radiating Christ, that some of my morals slipped down the toilet. Things I would never ever see myself wearing beforehand I was wearing. Attitudes I would never desire I was attaining. Earthly things I should not be placing hope in, I was placing all my hope in. Who was I? I really messed up and I am so thankful that my God received me again. I remember sitting in the prayer chapel one day, towards the end of the semester, and just feeling completely hopeless. I had allowed myself to get so out of control when it came to everything. My devotional time with the Lord was zero. The fellowship wasn't there. I wasn't being kept accountable, and I was hanging around doing things I shouldn't have necessarily been doing. All I could keep saying to myself, and the Lord was that I didn't want to be the girl I used to be before Christ. I didn't want to slip back into the 'old man' so to say. I remember sitting in the prayer chapel and just crying out of my own disgust. I was sick of the path I was walking, and I was sick of forsaking the One true Love that I had ever known. I remember Satan trying to whisper in my ear, "Just give up. Walk away from the entire ministry. It isn't worth it, see? You just keep going back to the old lifestyle and you should. It's more fun. It's easier. It's better." So I stood up and walked out thinking, "Ok, that's it. I'm done."

The Lord quickly prompted me to talk to my dad about stuff. I called him up and just wept. All I could do was cry... knowing that I had failed spiritually so much. It brought me back to the story of Peter in the Gospel of Luke where Jesus tells him that he will deny Jesus three times, and he doesn't believe him. What does Peter do once he realizes what happened? He went out and wept bitterly. Did the Lord receive him back? Of course. I kept thinking that I was just like Peter. The Lord had warned me in the beginning of the semester to be on guard. He kept telling me to guard my heart, to stand fast in the faith and to flee from Satan. He kept telling me to trust in Him, wait on Him, and abide in Him. Yet I thought I was 'too good' or 'better' than most... pride. Ugliness. I continue to remember that I am not immune to sin. I am so quick to fall away and fall short of God's goodness. I am more susceptible to sin than anyone, if anything! I must daily be broken over my sin.

So, as I was praying the other day all I could think about was the women on campus. My heart broke. Ladies, we must make sure we are not walking in the course of the world. When we are on that campus, we have responsibilities. We are to walk worthy of the calling with which we are called, we are to be above reproach, we are to dress modestly, we are to walk in holiness, and to edify/encourage our brothers in Christ. We should not be so concerned with impressing them, but praying for them, encouraging them, and building them up with God's word. We must be concerned with seeking God's face in all things. I was so burdened thinking about the legacy we will leave behind if we do not walk according to the Spirit. I have seen it in myself more than anyone, that when I am not obeying God's command and walking in His holiness, I am totally setting not only myself up for failure, but I am setting people around me to stumble and fall. On that campus I have one job: to glorify God in all things and to please the King in every aspect of my life. Not just some, but EVERY aspect of my life. I continue to go back to Esther, and she is the reason I titled this blog the way I did :) She was so concerned not with pleasing people in the palace, or looking beautiful on the outside, or being friends with the king, but she was concerned with doing what was upright, pleasing in the king's sight. She risked her life in order to obey the commands set before her. What a woman she was.

And we too, as ladies in the Lord must obey His commands. We are called, commanded, destined to live a lifestyle of holiness, purity, modesty, righteousness, and uprightness. We are called to edify our brothers, not to stumble them. We are called to pray for our sisters who we are around all the time. One other thing I was super convicted about: JEALOUSY. Ladies, we are so prone to compare ourselves to each other. What's with that? The Lord has created each and every one of us uniquely. If we compare each other, then jealousy gets in the way. Then before you know it bitterness and anger get in the way, and there's division among the body of Christ. Jealousy, backbiting, gossip, envy, strife.... these things are TEARING US APART. These are the reasons so many friendships don't go anywhere, and why many of them fail. I am so at fault for this too. Backbiting, gossip... let's just say I take part in them more than anyone I'm sure. It's sin. It's ugly. It's vicious. It's dangerous. It's poison. We must make sure that as we are sisters in Christ, we must treat each other as such! Pray for each other. Trust each other. Yet, make sure that when people tell us things... we can be counted faithful and trustworthy. ANOTHER area I struggle with.. being a big mouth! I'm not ashamed to admit it, but I am ashamed OF IT. I know the Lord is at work in me... but it is so important that we can be women who can go to each other for prayer requests, encouragements, and accountability. Who else can we go to? And let me just say: go to your SISTERS in Christ before you go to your brothers. That can be a dangerous scenario. Bearing your heart to a brother in Christ can eventually lead to emotions arising, which it says in Song of Solomon, "DO NOT AWAKEN LOVE UNTIL IT PLEASES". First, go to God. Pray about Him bringing you a trustworthy gal you can share your heart with. Pray for each other.

I know that Satan wants to destroy the friendships on that campus..but we are called to love each other, pray for each other, and bare with one anothers burdens. In our society, it is so easy to fall into the traps that they set before us, yet as women of Christ we have no business dealing with the affairs of this world. We are called to transform rather than conform to it. We are called to be molded more into the image of Christ.

So, please, pray NOW for who your roommates will be. Pray now for the girls on that campus... that your hearts would be guarded and that all jealousy, hatred, bitterness, backbiting, gossip, would not continue on our lips. I know I must pray this for me constantly. I am at fault all the time...but I know the Lord is doing a huge work in me, too.

"Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind toward one another..." ~ Romans 12:9-16