Friday, July 8, 2011

most precious gift.

Now that I'm 22, I look back on my teenage years and can't help but to be humbled, amazed, and so thankful that God saved me from things that could have been awful. The Lord really spared me from situations that could have caused severe heartache, rather than temporary heartbreak. Im not quite sure why, but growing up I always felt super self-conscience about myself. I was told randomly that I needed to look better, different, or just continue to change things about myself in order to fit in. I watched a whole lot of television. The shows I was watching on TV had girls that were super skinny, blonde, and beautiful. So, because I was heavily influenced by the media, everytime I saw someone on TV look a certain way or wear a certain shirt, I needed to be just like that. I was never satisfied with who I was in Christ. In fact, I wasn't walking at all with the Lord throughout Jr. High and HS. I knew in my mind who the Lord was, but my heart wasn't living it.

8th grade started and of course started the new trend: boyfriends. If I didn't have a boyfriend I was lost. I started "dating" in 7th grade, and it just continued all the way until I turned 20. It was an awful trend. I had a boyfriend and I was complete. It was as if he was filling the void of everything I needed in my life. If I was lonely, I would want him. If I was happy I would say it was because of him. If I was upset I would blame him. Not only was I super dependant on man rather than the Lord, but I was selfish, bitter, and self-absorbed. I spent more time fixing myself and being "popular" with looks and a boyfriend than praying to grow into a sweet, kind, gentle, and quiet woman the Lord calls us to be. So, I would pick fights. I would want everything my way. Ladies, my life revolved around men, relationships and intimacy. It was all I searched for, and it was all I hoped for. In my mind I knew that I needed 'more' than just a relationship here on earth. I knew the Lord was pursuing me in mighty ways. I could feel His Spirit and His voice in my mind telling me, "Turn to Me. I am the only hope and peace you can find." I understood that the Lord had something better in mind, but I always wanted to be able to know that someone was there physically to make me feel better. I was selfish, and I was chasing things that didn't satisfy in the end.

I always tell people that before I truly surrenderd my life over to the Lord, I was super blessed because I knew that He was pursuing me at such a young age. I knew the still small voice in my mind guiding and leading me, but more then half the time I ignored Him. Thankfully, and by His grace, through my ignorance and self-absorbtion the Lord led me out of situations that were beyond my control. It is because of His goodness and love for me that He brought me out of a physically abusive relationship. He brought me out of MANY situations that should have led to teen pregnancy, and He taught me to rely on Him rather than anyone else in this world. My GOD created me, fashioned me, and was so good to bring me to a newness of life later down the road.

Ladies, the danger we face as women still go back to our self issues. It is because of self-centeredness that we desire physical and earthly relationships. The Bible is clear that dating and marriage isn't wrong but it's how you go about them.

1 Corinthians 7:32-35 says: "But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the LORD--how he may please the LORD. But he who is married cares about the things of the world--how he may please his wife. There is a difference between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares about the things of the LORD, that she may be holy in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world--how she may please her husband. And this I say for your own profit, not that I may put a leash on you, but for what is proper, and that you may serve the LORD without distraction."

Ladies, it is NOT sin to date/court, and eventually get married. The Bible has many scriptures that indicates the purpose of marriage, and I won't get into them all. Yet, as I have continued to grow with the Lord, I have begun to see that I don't want to get married for intimacy, or love, or joy.. though those things will come. I want to get married so we can further His kingdom, so that we can fulfill the ministry God has called us to, and if that means He has a ministry for me as a single woman to do alone, then I give Him praise and glory, because I DO want to be without distraction. I know that if and when the time comes, the Lord will make it super clear that he's not a distraction, but a leader, and a blessing in my life. Up until then ladies, I do not want to stir nor awaken love. Song of Solomon is very clear about us stirring up love and relationships before it's His perfect timing. I will tell you, your relationship with your boyfriend will never be blessed, fruitful, or successful if he's a nonbeliever, if you're sexually intimate, if it isn't the Lord's timing, or if you aren't putting God at the forefront of your relationship. If you are into ANY of these things: CUT IT OFF NOW. Ladies, we are called to a lifestyle of holiness and purity. Unless the Lord has ordained your relationship then it will be extremely difficult to stay pure and life an upright life together.

Let me go on for the record and say, that dating before the age of 18 is really pointless, girls! Growing up in and out of relationships I was suffering from major issues of heartache, anxiety, eating habits, depression, I was up and down and the roller coaster never ended. I wound up crying over my boyfriend being on vacation for 7 days instead of trusting in the Lord with everything. It was the most unhealthy cycle I think I have ever struggled with. It is okay to want to be in a relationship with someone, but what is your focus? Who are you placing your hope in? Your trust? Your heart? The Lord is the only One who should have all of your heart, ladies. It says in Proverbs 23:26, "My son, give me your heart, and let your eyes observe my ways."

It's hard at a young age when everyone around you is dating or getting into relationships. Waiting for the one God has for you is the most precious thing you can do. I have found that the season of your singleness is a season that you will want to cherish for a lifetime ladies. When you are single, there are so many things you can do, and are called to do that you won't be able to do in marriage. This is the only time you will be with just you and the Lord. The only person you should be getting to know right now is Him! He's your priority. He's your love, He's your life, He's everything that you should be investing your time, love, and energy into. He's the One who loved you from before the foundations of the world. He fashioned you and planned out your life, don't you trust that He's got the most perfect earthly love for you too? IF you trust Him, wait on Him, and fulfill your ministry here on earth...then when it's His perfect timing it'll work out. We should not be so bent and focused on which guy we think is cute, or who we can date next. Those attributes actually prove to people your character. Do you want to be a Proverbs 7 woman? Or a Proverbs 31 woman? The Lord should be glorified in every thing you say, do, and think. We need to make sure our hearts are right before Him in all things.

Ladies, I pray that each and every one of us will be able to let go of the things of this world. Our citizenship is in heaven, it is with Christ we should be satisfied and we need to make sure we are purified in our hearts to further His kingdom. This is our purpose. A few years back I was really struggling with letting go of a relationship that was seriously dangerous. I knew several times that the Lord wanted me to say goodbye to this person, yet I was suffering with thoughts like, "What if he really does love me?" "Maybe I won't find anyone else ever." Those were the things that I believe Satan tried to use. I knew through Scripture, prayer, and church that I needed to let go, and every time I went to read my devotional I would feel convicted and it would tear me away from the Lord... red flag right there!!! The Godly man God has for you should bring you closer and closer to Jesus. He should ever be pointing you to the Savior.. that's it! Anyway, I was really having a hard time and one night I had a crazy dream. This dream stuck with me and it was totally the Lord giving me a clear cut sign to say GOODBYE for good. It was only 1 week after I finally said 'goodbye' to this man. I remember it wasn't a huge dramatic goodbye, but I had finally snapped and was tired of being used and abused. I told him the truth of how I felt and told him I wanted nothing to do with him anymore, or us anymore. I left and that was that. As Satan kept trying to pull me back the Lord gave me this dream and I'll never forget it:

It was my wedding day and everything was super sweet. I had my bridesmaids all ready and set to go. My dad and mom were in the next room preparing to get the wedding started. It was in a beautiful church and it was packed with family and friends. I remember my wedding dress being the whitest white I could ever see...a signification of my purity and faithfulness as the Lord spared me. I continued to finish my makeup and everything was super perfect. I had my dress, my friends, this extravagant wedding but there was one thing wrong with the picture: the man I was marrying. I remember walking into the next room to see my mom and dad. They pleaded with me, knowing that the Lord spoke to them, too. I remember my dad telling me, "You can get out of this. You can say you don't want to go through with this. I really believe you'll be miserable the rest of you life. It's not too late to call it off." The look on my parents' face just killed me. It was that look of worry, hurt, anxiety, and even fear. They knew I was making the hugest mistake, and I could just look at them knowing I was too. I was afraid to call it off because of all my friends and family. I didn't want to make a scene. "Settling" with this man was something I was willing to do just because I wanted someone there all the time, and I needed someone there all the time. God wasn't enough. I remember walking into another room with my soon to be husband in it. I went in and talked with him, sharing my heart and how I was super blessed and excited to be spending the rest of my life with him. I told him how much I loved him and how amazing our lives would be toghether. He looked back at me, not smiling, not saying anything, just staring at me...almost glaring at me. I knew then, that he didn't love me. That this whole 'wedding' didn't change him, and nothing I could do could make him love me the way I wanted to, but we still went through with it. It was too late...the wedding started and my dad was ready to walk me down. All of a sudden terror, hurt, anxiety, and worry flooded over me. I was sweating, I was panicked, and I wanted out.. I couldn't do it but a little voice in my head told me it was too late and I was stuck for life. Abuse, hurt, no matter what..we were to be married. Music played and I grabbed my daddy's arm and all I wanted to do was cry. As I walked halfway down the aisle I woke up..thankful, tearful that it was all FAKE! I remember sitting up in my bed and thinking, wow..wow..WOW..that was so the Lord. I knew that if I wouldn't say 'goodbye' to this man, I would be miserable the rest of my life. It wasn't the Lord's will for me. All I could do was fall on my face in thankfulness, adoration, and praise that God showed me once again His goodness in my life. It was all a dream...and from that moment on I swore never to date again, or stir up love until it pleased Him.

Ladies, that dream was a total wake up call, or smack in the face I guess. I'm not perfect, and I've messed up a few times after that. But I know that the Lord is super serious about our dating decisions. He loves you so much and only wants HIS best for you. Not the most popular guy in school, or the cutest, or the one who all the girls like.. but HIS best for you, in HIS timing, at HIS approval. I encourage you to be faithful in this season of your singleness, and don't rush. Just because 'everyone else is doing it' doesnt mean it's right, or for you. The Lord is the Master of all...let Him intertwine your heart with your husbands when it is perfect. Why rush His perfect plan? I have found that I would choose nothing other than the season I'm in right now. Oh, it is so blessed!!!! I have grown to love the Lord so much...and I don't want to stop. My biggest fear is being distracted, yet I know the Lord is faithful. Be on your face daily before Him. Pray that your heart would only yearn to know His, and pray that when it is HIS timing, He will bring you the one He has for you. Until then, "Be watchful in all things, endure afflictions, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry." 2 Timothy 4:5

Jesus is what our eyes should be looking after.

"I sought him, but I did not find him. I will rise now, and go about the city; in the streets and in the squares I will seek the one I love. I sought him, but I did not find him ... I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases." Song of Solomon 3:1-2, 5

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