immovable.

I can already tell this semester is going to be one of many blessings, many trials, and many lessons that God wants me to learn. I can sense the power of the Holy Spirit over all He wants to do this semester. I was in bed last night just thinking about this semester, and how thankful I am for all He's done so far. My roommates, my serving job this semester, the classes I'm taking. The blessing of just simply walking hand in hand with Him, blessed, peaceful, and just seeking Him.

If there's one thing I want to do this semester, its this. He's put an intense burden on my heart to just love my sisters. Sounds easy enough right? But this burden is so powerful on my heart. To love, minister, encourage, exhort, pray and just be there for. And He's totally used other people to minister to me too. My dad makes a great point.He always says, part of the wonderful experience of Bible College is that you give out what you take in. So, we learn SO MUCH from God's word, so what can we give to others? How can we encourage others? What can we do for others? I can honestly say that because of God's pure grace, He's given me a servant heart. About a year ago when I continued seeking Him for the ministry He called me to, I had a real hard time with the whole idea of 'serving' others. Simple right? I mean, that's what leaders do, that's what people in ministry do. They serve. I just remember my heart being so selfish. I still am selfish, but my prayer now is always that the Lord would continue to make me a servant more and more. About a year ago I had no desire to even love people.

I am amazed at how He's refined my heart and continued to equip me for all that He has for me. Though I can't see the full picture now, He's continuing in the work. So grateful. It's been a huge blessing. I've met so many precious women on this campus who share in the same struggles as me, who I can encourage, and who can encourage me. It's such a blessing.

The first few nights we had a few meetings with our women's leader. What a Godly example she is. I am amazed and thankful that God has placed her on this campus to head up the women's ministry. What a heart she has for these girls! It's such an encouragement. You ever sit in a church service and the pastor talks about something that makes complete sense, but it doesn't quite hit your heart to where you're like, "Wow, Lord... so true!" That happened to me.

She was talking about girls. Our hearts, our emotions, and how one teeny little thing can hinder our moods in a matter of seconds. Let's get serious, we all know that girls are that way. We get attached to men way too easily, we get bitter, jealous, angry, unforgiving, and if our hair doesn't look exactly right then our whole day is ruined. I mean, the simplest little thing can alter our moods. It's sad when you think about it.

A few days later I was sitting in bed doing my devotions and the Lord really spoke so clearly to me. He really showed me that this semester, as well as each day I walk with Him, I need to remember that as a Godly woman, nothing and I mean  NO THING should hinder my love for Him, my devotion to Him, my praise to Him, and the desire to live a holy life. There will be days where someone will say something and I'll get offended. Or there may be days when men flirt with me and my thoughts may go crazy. There may be situations where I get sick. Or, someone close to me may pass away. Sure that's extreme...but truly, nothing should move us. I'm not saying that we aren't human. We will get upset, mad, or confused as to why situations happen. But how do you handle them? What's your heart look like after your boyfriend just broke up with you? Your best friend back stabs you? Your family member forsakes you. Someone gossips about you. How will you react? Sure it's okay to be upset and hurt, but how do you approach the situation? Way too many times I know my heart wants to retaliate as soon as possible. If a guy mistreats me then it's like my whole world crashes down. If my best friend talks bad about me behind my back I ultimately want to ignore her and drop her. If my family member forsakes me I want to grow a hateful attitude towards them. But what do the scriptures say?

The Lord gave me Acts 20:24 where it says, "None of these things move me, nor do I count my life dear to myself, that I may finish my race with JOY. . ." How are we to finish the race? With joy. In what types of circumstances? It says here that none of these things move us. Not, some things, or a few things.. but none of these things move us. Think about that.

It's been so hard to really put that into perspective. But the Lord has begun to show me, that as a girl, especially a woman in Christ, it's very hard to maintain a holy life, a pure heart, and an upright spirit in the midst of our days. Our days bring sad circumstances. Satan knocks at the door. Temptation will rise. But we have the victory. I think too many times girls think that we have to battle the spiritual warfare, but we don't. God is our Victour. He has it all figured out and it's been won. We just need to seek His face, His heart, and trust in His deliverance. As a woman in the Lord, we will be tested. Satan wants us to fall for the ungodly man he's placed in our lives. He wants us to think we're not good enough or pretty enough. He wants us to look in the mirror and see that ugly haircut and think that it would be awful to go out in public. Something as simple as a pimple, to something as big as death can hinder our countenance. But we shouldn't let it. Sure, it's ok to be upset, but I continually have to ask myself, "Angela, is this an eternal issue?" Is what I'm struggling with going to alter my ministry, or matter in eternity? Chances are, no. My ugly haircut won't matter in heaven. The way I dress will though. I must always seek to be pure in all things. We all fail at that.

As women in Christ, I pray for you, and encourage you...let NOTHING move you. Don't allow Satan to use little things in your day to trip you up and be depressed. God has called you to go out and love, serve, minister and encourage. It won't be easy in times of heartache. And I understand that something as big as death deserves grief. I'm not saying don't grieve or be sad. The main thing I'm talking about here is the little things. That boy, or that bad grade, or the gossip you heard about you won't matter in eternity. But do you know what God looks at? Your heart. The way you handled the situation. That's what He wants. Your purity, your desire to seek Him, trust Him, and let Him be victorious over it.

A few months back I was sitting doing my devotions and the Lord put an intense burden on my heart to get on my face in prayer over someone super dear to me. I was overwhelmed with His Spirit and all I could do was weep and pray. He continued to give me 1 Corinthians 15:58. It says:

"Be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the LORD, knowing your labor is not in vain of the LORD."


The Lord purposed in my heart to pray this over and over again for me and this person. For our ministries, and for all that He's called us to. When He reminded me about not allowing anything in this life move me, He gave me this verse again. In the work He's called me to, I must constantly be seeking Him in prayer, in communion, and be diving into the Word so I can be guarded. It's so easy to let something so small get in the way of how God wants to use us. It's so easy as girls to be tripped up with something so stupid such as our looks or our friends and boys.


Do you know there is so much more to life than your looks? Guys? Even friends? My heart this semester is that I would just seek His face. That He would be my Love, my utmost desire, my burning zealous passion. Sure, little things will get to me, but ultimately, I have an eternal purpose on my life. A high calling. A divine position to be a woman of holiness, a woman whose life is unto the Lord, not herself. So, why should I let anything hinder that? Why should I let anything hinder what He wants to do?

I'm reminded of that verse that talks about it not being according to our might, but God's. I'll tell you this: you won't be able to do it. You're weak and not good enough. You need God's supernatural Spirit to equip you with grace, strength, and glory in HIM to overcome these issues. That's why I encourage prayer, fasting, and the study of His Word....all the time. Not once a week. Not even once a day. Get on your face DAILY. Be in His word more than once a day. Pray as you walk around. Pray as you get ready. Pray pray pray. It says to pray without ceasing. Your life depends on it. Your spiritual walk is what needs it. You can't do it alone. I can't either. We need Jesus' equipping and Holy Spirit.

Praying and encouraging all my sweet sisters in Christ to remember: this earth is TEMPORARY. We are not here forever. Seek those things ABOVE where Christ is. He's the fulfillment, the satisfaction. When you have Him as your shield and guard, nothing will move you. Stand on the Solid Rock. You won't regret it.

by faith.

I think so often we as believers think we have it all figured out, don't we? I know for me, sometimes I find myself going crazy over thoughts and plans that I have in my mind. I think 'Well, maybe God will do this...or that..or that He'll plan it this way.' And we think that we know it all. Something we must all remember is that we are NOTHING. We are such low, worthless, scum. I mean, seriously, though. We are. So, we need to be humbled, broken, willing to let GOD make the plans. Don't you think He knows best?

This was shown really evident in my life before I came to Bible College. Aside from knowing that God called me here 4 years ago, I fought and did my own thing for two extra years. I wasn't ready. I thought, "Well, Lord, I know what You want, but I have this all planned out. I'm going to ISU to become a teacher, make good money, and then I'll definitely do ministry on the side. That would be neat." Ha, if I only knew to realize that I was completely wrong. At that time I valued God's desires for me, I loved Him, and I took what He said, but I wasn't willing to really apply it, live it, or surrender everything to Him. So in all reality, I was a two-faced Christian.

We can't simply think that we deserve heaven, eternal life, or peace from God if we aren't willing to surrender it ALL unto Him. There's just no way. We must be willing to surrender it ALL unto His divine purpose. When we plan out our lives, we are only asking for failure. Do you think God will glorify you because you make your own plans? If that was the case then we wouldn't be humble. We wouldn't need help. We would claim we knew it all and had it all together. Where's the surrender and brokenness? It's no wonder God often times calls us to unpleasant places, out of our comfort zones, or to a ministry we never thought we'd be doing in a million years.

It's humbling. And exciting. If you were to ask me 5 years ago if I was going to be involved with worship and youth ministry I would have laughed in your face. I was adamant about teaching. I just hated junior high and high school. I refused to get degrees in those areas. I liked preschool. But, when I began to really seek God, and His face in everything, I am blown away by all He's called me to. It's no wonder He's called me to the one thing I never saw myself doing. It's amazing to me. He has (by His sovereign grace) used me in the lives of girls and women so much. It isn't anything of me, but all of Him. See? I knew that if I pursued teaching, if I had graduated and tried getting a job, I would be destined to fail. Why? It wasn't what God's will was for me. People who didn't understand my decision to come to Bible College don't see this entire picture. Most people think that by getting good degrees and making a lot of money that that is what is successful. Yet, I knew that forsaking all I had planned to follow after God's will for me has been nothing but beautiful.

Sure, it's rough at times. And being at Bible College poses so many scenarios where Satan gets in the way. He tempts, trips, tries to destroy...but my God is greater.

This morning during our first morning chapel the teacher spoke on trusting God, giving Him all the pieces, and allowing Him to do whatever He pleases. That statement made me cringe a bit. Because I knew that before this semester started, I dictated to God what I thought was best for me. "Ok, Lord, I'm going into this semester, and don't allow this to happen. Just keep me away from this. Or that. Blahblahblah." Thinking that I had it all covered and understood. Yet what if God wanted to do something you never imagined Him doing? What if He wanted to speak to you in certain ways, open doors, close doors, use you, or use someone else to minister to you? I didn't take any of those things into consideration. I was just so worried about what I thought was best for me...but I know nothing.

Today as I left chapel I was praying, seeking God to know what He wanted for me. I just kept praying that God would reveal more of His spirit to me. If I can be completely honest, if I had to choose, I'd leave Bible College right now and choose something 'more comfortable'. I would run from the ministry, because I feel so unworthy of anything God calls me to do. But on the contrary, it makes me run to Him all the more. It makes me realize that, ok, I am called to minister to women and young girls. God continues to give me passages in 1 and 2 Timothy about older women being examples in love to the younger. And what's amazing is that I learn from older women in my life, too. I have so much to learn....and I mean so much to learn. I am nowhere close to be 'good' or 'perfect', but I know that I have God as the One who leads and guides me.

Sometimes I just wonder, why did God bring me to Bible College? I remember the months prior to leaving. He made it so unbelievably clear that this was where He had me. Yet, I was so curious. Why strip me away from my family and friends to a place that I have no idea what to expect? I believe God does that to grow us, refine us, purify us, and to trust in His plan. Again, if it was our plan then we would be set up to fail.

I just want to know more of God's heart. I am so blessed and thankful that He continues to show it to me. I want to know Him more, share Him more, and love Him more. I pray that this semester I would be open to whatever He has for me. I pray that He would continue to comfort me in the times when I feel as though I want to run. I pray He would continue to reveal more of His purpose for me while being here. I have been so set on making my own plans, and 'telling the Lord' what should be done. Really? Failure.

Today as I opened up my Word, He graciously gave me Hebrews 11:8-10,
"By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to the place which he would receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going. By faith he dwelt in the land of promise as in a foreign country, dwelling in tents with Isaac and Jacob, the heirs with him of the same promise; for he waited for the city which has foundations, whose builder and maker is God."

I love that. Abraham was FAITHFUL and OBEDIENT to what God had called him to do. Where God had called him to go. Such an encouragement. God did not fail at His promises, but He knew exactly what He was doing when He called Abraham out to a place he did not know. How else would he learn to trust God? I love at the end of this passage where it talks of GOD being the One who builds and lays the foundation. That's how it should be!

May I come to a place of ultimate surrender, ESPECIALLY in those times when I think that God doesn't know what He's doing. He knows everything. Way better than I do. I am so thankful He's brought me to "this inheritance" and this place I'm unsure of. He continues to reveal more and more of Himself to me, more of the ministry I'm called to, and more of His love. I'm blown away and it's only week 1. I praise Him for all His unfailing goodness.

do business until He comes.

            The Lord is so good to me. I can’t believe all that He’s done thus far…day 5! I’m back at Bible College now. The Lord has definitely prepared me for this season in my life. I remember last semester. I was so eager to get involved, so willing to dive right into whatever He wanted, but the theme continued to be the same: “Wait on Me.” That was my life. I was called to wait on Him, and so I did..or so I tried. Sure, I made many mistakes, but I prayed that the Lord would continue to mold my heart. This past Summer as I have said, I had the honor and privilege to speak at our Purity Conference. God was so evident there. I couldn’t believe it.

            Over the Summer the Lord began to put an intense burden on my heart to be in prayer over revival, the women in our generation and on our campus, and the calling He’s placed on my life. Whenever I do my devotions, I usually just read whatever He has placed on my heart that day, month, or season. This Summer He continued to give me 1 & 2 Peter, 1 & 2 Kings, Titus, and Esther as the main books to really study. Now, the Lord used 1 Peter 2:9 to confirm the calling on my life once I surrendered to Him, and just reading 1 & 2 Peter is incredible. They’re two of my favorite books of the Bible. So, I studied up. Not that I know much, because truly, I know nothing. But the Lord began to give me wisdom through prayer, zealousness, and a desire/hunger for His word. I couldn’t get enough of Titus, 1 & 2 Timothy, Esther, and 1 & 2 Peter. I was just eating it all up…and I still can’t get enough. 

            I love 1 & 2 Timothy, and Titus because they really show a good example of what women in the church, and in the world need to act like. They give us great insights on how women should behave, dress, and what our roles are. I remember last semester the Lord giving me these books of the Bible as books that I should cling to with all my heart. The passion and desire for women of holiness continued ringing in my heart. He gave me these books to meditate on and pray over, because if someday, He calls me to lead women’s ministry or girl’s youth ministry, then I can have those firm foundations. They’re incredible books. I am blessed.
            Last semester I applied for a teacher’s assistant position here at Bible College. The Lord really gave me a desire to be a T.A. and to get back into assisting teachers. I mean, He has allowed me and graciously given me jobs in schools years before, so why not? It would be neat. He is so faithful. I just continued to pray over the position. Sure, I wanted it, but what did God want? Often times, that’s the thing us girls (and anyone in Christ) need to remember. I’m reading “The Privilege” by Pastor’s Wife Kay Smith. Man, what an incredible book this is! Ladies, pick it up! She talks in an entire chapter about what our lives look like surrendered, denied, and sacrificed on the altar. Is your life daily sacrificed on the altar? Are we daily denying ourselves, our hopes, dreams, wants, desires, plans, so that we can only walk in accordance to what God has for us? This is ever important. As women in Christ, handmaidens of the Lord, we must must must make sure we are denying ourselves, every day, all day! The flesh creeps up. We’ve seen it, and we know it all too well.
            So, of course I knew what I wanted, but what did God want? The entire week before I left for Bible College, I was having these weird dreams about someone that I knew in my past. I won’t get into serious detail, but basically, I had wronged this person pretty bad before. We had reconciled, or so I think. And I’ve apologized, this person has apologized, but these dreams kept reoccurring. Dreams of hanging out with them, being with them, and I continued to wonder, why? I don’t believe all dreams come from God, or from Satan. Dreams can come from God, or Satan. These dreams I don’t believe came from either..maybe a little bit of temptation. So, the day I left for California, I just kept thinking about it! I hadn’t talked to this person in a few months. And making initiative would be opening up a can of worms I wasn’t sure was edifying to my life in Christ. So, naturally in my flesh I said, “Lord, I am going to text this person today. Apologize, and tell them what an inspiration and Godly person they are!” But then I re-thought that. Again, here I am, trying to control the situations in my life. And why? God has it way more under control that I ever could. So I prayed. I was like, “Lord, do You want me to do this? Is this what You have me to do? Please, make it clear. I need a sign from Your Word, prayer, and Your Holy Spirit. Let me know..” I opened my Bible up and God gave me Isaiah 65:17-18, “For behold, I create new heavens and a new earth; And the former shall not be remembered or come to mind. But be glad and rejoice forever in what I create. . .”

            Thinking about my friendship with this person was just comfortable. I was clinging to the past, because of my own selfish insecurities and emotions. But, what was good according to God? He quickly reminded me, “Angela, rejoice in what I will create. I’m going to do a new thing. Stop thinking and reflecting on the past. It’s over. It’s done. It shouldn’t be remembered.” Wow God, thank You. It’s true, though. We must stop seeking after old things God has taken away from us. Don’t you know what He wants to do in you this season of your life? It may be a season where He calls you to just wait on Him. Or, it may be a season where He opens many doors. Either way, be obedient. Be willing to deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow wherever He leads you. Valleys, springs, deserts… it’s all for His glory. Why complain or change it?
            On the plane ride over I was questioning God’s calling on my life. Don’t we always do that? Especially as women we overanalyze everything and we think, “Really?” It brings me back to the book of Genesis where the serpent tested Eve and made her question God’s promises. That’s exactly what he wants to do to us. Dangerous. I prayed over and over that God would continue to confirm the calling on my heart for full time ministry, for women’s ministry and for girls ministry. I prayed on Tuesday that God would show me exactly what He wanted for me, and from me this semester.
            Yesterday I went to my orientation for my T.A. position. I was super stoked! Knowing what He had in store for me. They place you with three to four classes to T.A. I was expectant, because I was excited to work alongside the teachers, grade papers, and minister to the students. Once my name got called, I almost couldn’t believe the classes God placed me in to T.A. 1 & 2 Peter, 1 & 2 Kings and Titus, and Ruth and Esther. No joke! He so knew last year that I would be used in these classes to minster to students, know wisdom from His word, and be a blessing. I was astonished. Not only that, but the dean of women and women’s ministry leader from school teach Ruth and Esther. The Lord gave me an intense burden to study up on Ruth and Esther this Summer. I met with the dean of women yesterday to introduce myself and tell her I was her T.A. and that I would be willing to do whatever she needed. Wouldn’t you know, I get to work alongside them this semester, praying for the women on this campus, being an encouragement, and ministering to the women! I was blown away. And honored. To think that I could be one chosen by God, to work alongside such wonderful Godly women! It’s exactly what my heart desired…yet I didn’t know what His plan was. One day after praying a prayer, one day after questioning what God had, He showed me right away. “See? I have told you that I am going to do exceedingly abundantly above all that you ask or think. I have inscribed you in the palms of My hands. Your walls are continually before Me.” God, You are phenomenal. No words can sufficiently describe You.

            So, that’s where God has me as of now. I am amazed. Not only that, but He has opened numerous doors for me to minister to my roommates, the girls around campus, and to just pray. I just love praying for them. I’m learning what it means to be a woman of a quiet and gentle spirit. I’m learning what it means to be a woman of love, service, and surrender. Pouring out my life for others when I have my own plans isn’t always easy. Sometimes God calls us to throw away the plans we’ve made for our days to minister to others. Some other days, He doesn’t. But whatever He has for me, day by day, whether something or nothing, I pray that I can be obedient, willing, and sacrificed on the altar for Him.

            It’s all about His kingdom. It’s all about ultimate surrender. It’s all about doing business until He comes. I want no other desire than Him. I want no other focus than Him. I want my heart to be steadfast on Him. My eyes to be ever fixed upon Him. My hands to be diligent to work only for His kingdom. My feet to be quick and obedient to the steps He’s ordained for me. And I want my entire being: soul, body, spirit, and heart to be sacrificed, willing, offered, and surrendered. Whether through valleys, deserts, or springs, may I rejoice, be glad, and submit under whatever He wants to do. 

"Shepherd the flock of God which is among you, serving as overseers, not by compulsion but willingly, not for dishonest gain but eagerly; nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock; and when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that does not fade away." ~ 1 Peter 5:2-4 

 

mean girls.

Ok, ladies, let's get serious...everyone's seen the movie. In fact, when I first saw the movie, I didn't only die of laughter but I was amazed at how accurate it was to our society! I mean seriously. The title explains it all. What is it with girls, anyway? Why are girls so mean? Catty? Jealous? I must say, that women are usually in danger zones when it comes to these areas. Our relationships can become so ruined when we allow Satan to use his tactics to try and separate us. He is always trying to work in our ministries, our families, our friendship circles. It's inevitable. But how do you act towards others? It's a question that often times stings at the heart, I know.

But it's a question we ladies in the Lord need to continually ask ourselves. How are we treating our sisters in Christ? It's human nature that we become jealous, angry, bitter, annoyed, hormonal..yes yes yes I understand. But our emotions should never get in the way of our actions. The scriptures are very clear that our hearts are the most deceitful and desperately wicked, so who can understand them? (Jeremiah 17:9) The world will constantly tell us, "Follow your heart...you won't go wrong." No, on the contrary...don't follow your heart, but lead your heart to God, to godliness, and in holiness. Your heart and mind will tell you things you should not be doing. It's normal as humans. Yet, that is why we are called to put on the whole armor of God daily. We are called to withstand the wiles of the devil.

It's hard, especially as women. Like I've talked about before, we compare each other, we always want something we don't have, and most of the time we are super unhappy with who we are. Why? Because Satan is the ruler of this world. This world is telling you these things. This world influences us to act certain ways, be certain people, and treat others in certain ways. What does God say?

Lately I've been super convicted with my attitude. I have been convicted with my heart, and the sin in it. I have to remember that I am not immune to sin. Nor, am I vaccinated from it. I must put it to death every single day. I must surrender and realize that I am useless and unworthy apart from God's grace. I was praying continually about these things and the Lord continued to remind me of Proverbs 31, and 1 Peter 3:3. Yes, I go over these passages of scripture a lot. But I guess it's because I truly have a burden on my heart for the ladies of this generation...me included.

I have such a heart to see women all over the world to walk in holiness, purity, and cleanliness. I loved the scripture God gave me tonight in my devotionals from 2 Corinthians 7:1, "Therefore, having these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of GOD." 

There it is, again. The calling to put off the flesh, mortify the sin, and walk in holiness to God. I just know, I firmly believe that as women in the Lord we are called to walk worthy of our calling, profess godliness, and live a lifestyle of holiness.

So, how do we act in our daily routines? I understand that we may not get along with everyone we come in contact with, I get it. Yet, is the conflict because of you? Or is the conflict because you have done everything in your power to be a godly woman, yet the other party isn't treating you right? If that's the case, pray the Lord would work in their hearts. But the real problem is when we are the ones who are the issue. I know I've been the issue millions of times. Have I realized it everytime? Of course not. I have pride. I struggle. Yet, one thing I am so grateful for: God has given me a heart for the broken.

I was cleaning out my closet yesterday in preparation for packing for college this semester. I was going through my jewelry and I came across this old, rusted, music note necklace and I remember where it came from. Just looking at it, and holding it made me cry out of the faithfulness that God showed me. My junior year of high school I was very involved in choir class. I loved concerts, musicals, and hanging out with my choir friends...yeah, guess you could say I was a nerd. There was a guy in my class who was only a few years younger than me, but it never failed...he was always picked on. The guys in choir class couldn't stand him, the girls stayed away from him, and regardless of what was going on around him, he always got booted. If you've ever seen Winnie the Pooh you know who Eyore is. Well, this guy was his twin. It always rained on him. Poor thing. I remember thinking all the time, "Why do people pick on him? He's harmless. And quiet. He never bothers a soul." And that was true. He never once bothered anyone. If anything, he just wanted to be liked, and he wanted friends...who wouldn't in high school? One day a guy friend of mine was picking on him hardcore. In front of everyone. My heart broke. It was as if I was watching a murder scene right in front of me, only his heart was getting the beating. I remember my response, I just couldn't help it. I told off my friend, told him how much of a jerk he was, and how much of a loser HE was compared to this other guy. I don't exactly remember all that I said...but something to that extent. Three days later at our next choir concert his parents came up to me with tears in their eyes. They handed me this box and inside was the music note necklace. They thanked me so much for being so kind, and sweet to their son. They were floored. But even more, I was crying, in awe, and thankful that God gave me a heart for people and a love for people.

I have no idea what that guy is up to now days, but I pray for him continually. That's always how I've been, by God's grace. I have always been the girl who shuts down the bully for someone. I've always taken the bullet for others...my heart just loves people, and yearns to see people loved in return. God has just been so gracious to me in that area. I think also, it's because my brother was constantly picked on growing up. My heart broke with him before I was even able to understand bullying. So, I have never been a 'mean girl' but I will say that I have been jealous, envious, bitter, angry, unforgiving, and sassy with my girlfriends...and that in itself is a mean girl.

It doesn't have to be that you're outwardly mean to girls, but what's in your heart? What do you want for your sisters in Christ? What is your ultimate purpose for praying for them? Would you rather want your sisters to suffer? Or to life them up? Regardless of what they have said about you, or done to you.

It's hard. As girls, even in the Lord, we stumble under the category of catty girls. We gossip. We spread rumors. We act in ways we shouldn't. We really need to understand what it means to walk a lifestyle of godliness and holiness wholeheartedly. I'm no expert...in fact, I know nothing! Yet, I do know, that our hearts must be purified daily..willing and yearning to walk the lifestyle set before us. I love Ephesians 4 when it talks about walking worthy of the calling with which we are called. It's a beautiful reminder that as women in the Lord, we are called to profess holiness! We are to live it! There is seriously nothing better...it is a PRIVILEGE that we get to be called daughters of the King, and that He yearns we be holy! Wow. Who wouldn't want that?

Jealousy, anger, bitterness, grudges, unforgiveness, envy, slander, gossip...these things ought not to be so. Our tongues, hearts, intents, actions, thoughts, motives...all these things need to be holy and acceptable before God.

I've been convicted lately of not seeking the Lord to purify my heart in these areas too. I think the hardest thing is loving those around us who are mean to us. It's hard when we are super kind and nice, and other people take advantage. Where's the fine line between nice and standing up for yourself? This, I am learning too. There IS a fine line. I believe as women in Christ, we are called to be kind and gentle...yet when someone is taking advantage of you, or hurting your feelings...speak up! Not rudely, or in a mean/catty way..but tell them how you're feeling. If they mock you or make fun of you more, chances are they aren't good friends. Good, godly friends will respect you, and treat you the way they want to be treated. Friendship 101 right? Mmhmm..yet it's so hard. I know it.

I just love 1 Peter 3:3 where it says, "Do not let your adornment be merely outward--arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel--rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God."

I love the second half...we are called to be gentle and quiet in spirit! Some girls may hear that and think, 'What? That's seems demeaning.' But no! It is what we're called to do. Gentleness, kindness, and love. We must pour it out all the time, wholeheartedly, even to those who may not necessarily deserve it.

We must be sisters in Christ who can edify each other and build each other up. When there's tension, ill feelings, or unresolved conflict...there's division in the body of Christ. Praying that as school starts, and we continue in our walks as women of Godliness, that we pursue love, peace, kindness, gentleness and quietness. That we would pray and ask the Lord to give us hearts of flesh. Praying that we would daily continue to be kind and loving to our sisters in Christ. Pray for each other. We are all in it together, struggling with the same issues.

May we not continue to tear each other down, but build each other up.

"Strength and honor are her clothing; She shall rejoice in time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness." ~ Proverbs 31:25-26

dad.

The other day I came across the song, Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman and I just couldn't help but to cry. Not only over the fact that he loves his daughter so much..but he wrote that song just months before she was killed in a freak car accident. I can't imagine the pain a father must go through without his little girl. Nor, can I imagine the pain a little girl must go through without her daddy around.

Satan tries to discourage me and frighten me over thoughts of my dad. My dad has had three heart attacks in the span of my life, and he has diabetes too. He's pretty healthy but has had to go in for stents in his heart a few times. Overall, the doctors say he's doing quite well. I have full trust that God has my dad in the palm of His hand. He shepherds a flock of people at our home church, and I know God wants to continue to do a work. But still, Satan tries to freak me out with thoughts of, "Your dad won't be around for long. He's going to pass away soon. It could be tomorrow. Then what will you have?" Those thoughts tend to cripple me, you know.

You see, my dad and I have a very precious bond. I'm the only girl in the family, one of three kids, the other two boys. So, I am a total daddy's girl! Thoughts like those, they tend to cripple me. One day I really thought about that: what will I do when he's gone? Seriously. I could barely breathe, and the only thing I can come to think is that when he's gone, a huge piece of my heart is gone.

What about marriage? I thought about that too. One of the hardest things I'll have to do when I get married is let my husband be the man now, who spiritually leads me...not my dad anymore. Sure, he still will, but he won't be first anymore. Scary..yet I know it'll be a blessing. There was a woman in our church who was just like me, such a daddy's girl. Her and her dad did everything together. He would come over and watch his granddaughter when her and her husband went out, came to church every week with them, and he was all she had left. It was a huge shock when 3 days before Christmas he went home to be with the Lord. Freak heart attack. He was super healthy too. He exercised daily, ate healthy, and was perfectly fine according to doctors. Heart attacks just ran in the family. I remember just seeing her, hearing her, seeing how she was walking around without her precious daddy. She was crippled. She was completely broken.

Why am I sharing all this sad news? You're probably thinking, "Wow thanks. I'll have these fears too!" But it's an encouragement to me. The thing that encourages me is that I not only have a wonderful dad here on earth, but I have an amazing Dad in heaven. God is the One who I can always run to. Regardless. When my dad goes home to be with Him, man...what a neat thing that will be (aside from sad). He'll finally be with JESUS! No more pain, nor sorrow. Incredible.

I can't help but to think about those girls who grow up with no dad. Or, those girls who grow up with an abusive father, an alcoholic for a father, or, unfortunately, those who have been sexually abused by their father. Who do they turn to? Such devastating circumstances. I have heard time and time again, about women who come to terms with who their earthly dad is, and get to know their Heavenly Dad in the process. So amazing. Forgiveness, brokenness, surrender, and FREEDOM is now their life. No more chains, no more bondage, no more hatred towards a man who was supposed to be the spiritual leader, Godly influence, and righteous man.

It goes for guys too. Some guys grow up having no male figure to look up to, yet again, they have Jesus. I'm not saying that having Jesus and not an earthly dad is easy, or amazing. Everyone longs to have parents who love them, encourage them, and support them. I was very blessed growing up to have them. Yet, I also need to trust them in the hands of God. And I can't help but to think of all those people around the world who have no father. It breaks my heart.

I remember journaling on Fathers Day and thanking God for who He gave me as a dad. I was super convicted. "What about those in this world who have no earthly dad? Who are broken over the fact that their dad is not the man he should have been? Pray for them. They're broken tonight." 

It was clear as day. All of a sudden I was so broken over those who I knew and didn't know, who struggled with no dad in their lives. Completely broken. It's easy to see what you have and then never care about what others don't have around you. Yet, we are called to pray for those around us who are broken and hurting. The scriptures say, "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep."~Romans 12:15

It is clear that we are to come alongside our brothers and sisters and pray continually for them, whatever they're going through.

I have a dear friend who not only lost both parents early in life, but also lost her husband to a nasty divorce. What a woman of God she is, though. Regardless of her circumstances she chooses to stand firm on the Word, prayer, and on what God has promised her. She is such an encouragement to me! To see her earthly dad pass away, and her husband leave her in an awful state. Yet she chooses her heavenly Daddy, the One who knows her better than anyone in this world can know her. No, again I'm not saying that it is easy....but even I must remember that I cling to the cross, to Jesus..not to my earthly dad all the time.

I must trust him in the hands of God, and I also must cling to God first and foremost. I love Psalm 27:10 where it says, "When my father and mother forsake me, then the LORD will take care of me." Such precious words to me. I know that when the Lord decides to take my earthly father home, he will be in the most blessed place ever. In fact, man, I'll be a little jealous. Have you ever stopped to imagine what it'll be like when a loved one is finally face to face with Jesus?! Wow, I can't fathom it. Pure worship 24/7...what a blessing!!!!

Not to make light of death. Yet at the same time, I must trust that God has it all under control.

Truth is, we have the BEST heavenly Daddy anyone could ever ask for. Far better than anything we deal with in this world. Girls, what are you carrying today? I am broken over some ladies who struggle with no father figure, or who have a tainted view of what a father figure looks like. It's disheartening. Yet, just know, be encouraged that you have JESUS. Run to Him. Cling to Him. Fall on your face before Him. Allow Him to take your brokenness, and fix all the pieces. HE is worthy, and so able!

Praying earnestly for all those who struggle with this....I have nothing to complain about, and nothing to compare my situation to. Yet I know, through all, and in all, God is sovereign. He is worthy of all things. So, we must trust Him in all things. Easier said than done, yea. But, who are you clinging to?

Cling to the cross. You are not alone. Jesus is always with you.

"But You have seen, for You observe trouble and grief, to repay it by Your hand. The helpless commits himself to You; You are the helper of the fatherless." ~ Psalm 10:14 

a living sacrifice.

I am still learning what it means to be fully poured out for the Lord, for His kingdom, and for His glory. I can see that in my past circumstances, and how the Lord has brought me this far...that He has been teaching me fully what it means to be a living sacrifice unto Him. It isn't easy...it may cause people around you to disagree, think you're strange, or even betray you. Yet, I know, that giving all that I am unto the Lord has been nothing but joy and blessings...even amidst the painful times.

It all goes back to almost four years ago. That's when it all started. A living sacrifice unto the Lord. I knew that walking in righteousness is what I should have been doing, but I'll admit that I wasn't. I was walking in the ways of the world. I was dating an unbeliever, hanging around the partying scene, being rebellious, and living a life completely disobedient to the Lord and His commands. Yet, I knew that still small voice. I knew what He wanted from me, I was just unwilling to surrender. Do you know what that did to me? It kept me in bondage. It kept me miserable, unhappy, anxious, fearful, totally desperate and lonely.

Some people think (I know I did...) that when God wants them to sacrifice the most dear thing to them, they'll be unhappy, lonely, and unfulfilled. Yet..on the contrary. When we sacrifice those things most dear to us that the Lord requires from us, we gain freedom, surrender, contentment, joy, love and peace. Why does He do those things? Because there's something way better for us. Don't believe me, fine. But trust me when I say, GOD KNOWS BEST. He always has, He always will, and He always does.

So, four years ago I was clinging to a broken, ungodly, miserable relationship. I was clinging to the wrong crowd because I felt like I had no one else. I was clinging to the world rather than Christ, because I thought that I was way too far off to come back to Him. I was at community college and I had my whole life planned out in front of me...or so I thought. God had given me a love for children, and a desire to be a teacher. I had already been working in our school district for three years, and all the teachers and principles I worked with kept telling me that I had a for sure position once I graduated. I got good grades. I focused on school. Amidst all the craziness and desperation going on in my world, I studied hard and I got a 3.7 GPA. I applied to Illinois State University for their teaching program. Anyone who knows anything about ISU knows that it is one of the hardest schools to get into for teaching. It's the best in the state of Illinois. So, you can imagine my joy and excitement when I got in! I was thrilled.

My mom had begged me to go with her to the Pastor's Wives conference out in California at the Bible College. I'll be honest, I always loved the Bible College..my brother went there, and when I was there I felt a sense of home. I felt like that was where I truly wanted to be. In fact, that was my first option when I was a senior in high school, but my ex boyfriend almost broke up with me because I desired to move to California, so what did I do? Didn't go. So two years later imagine my excitement when my mom asked me! I was a little taken back, I mean, I wasn't close with the Lord at the time, and I was super convicted. So I thought, "I'll go, but I won't sit in any sessions. I'll just chill at the coffee shop and catch up on homework." Truly, one of the biggest reasons I went was because it was California, vacation, in October! I was thrilled. Plans were all ready and set to go to Illinois State University that next year. I was so excited.

My mom just kept telling me, "I don't know why, but I know the Lord wants you to come with me to this years conference." Yeah, ok, mom. Whateever. (I was so rebellious) So, I went. Bible College was just as I remembered it. People were friendly, the atmosphere was amazing, and in the deepest pit of my heart I secretly desired it. I saw how everyone walked. I saw people studying the Word. I wanted so desperately to walk away from the life I was in and turn back to Jesus....all the while He was calling me. He was calling me to forsake all that I had in that moment to just come away with Him.

The theme of the conference that year was CHOSEN out of the book of John. "You have not chosen Me, but I have chosen you." Such a great verse. My mom really begged me to go to sessions with her, but I didn't want to. She just kept earnestly praying for me. Not sure why. (I was really dumb back then) I remember sitting in the coffee shop, catching up on homework I was missing while being away. It was then that the Lord spoke so clearly to me. I'll never forget it. It was the start of a new beginning in my life..even though it took me a little while longer to get to where He wanted. It was the most precious voice. "This is your calling. You will end up here. I have called you to the ministry. Not for fun, not here and there, but full time ministry. You are called to forsake everything and follow after Me wholeheartedly. You planned your life, but I have better plans for you. You are called here..to Bible College, to ministry, and to seek My face forevermore." 

I'll never forget it. I just sat in my seat, amazed, barely breathing, thinking, 'No way...me? Ministry? Bible College? Yea, right. What will people at home think of me? I have plans to go to ISU, get my teaching degree, and become a teacher. Lord, I'll do ministry part time...here and there at ISU, but I have to get that degree and do what I've planned to do...it's too late.' So, I just kept going. Yet I couldn't forget that calling... it was a calling like any other. I knew then that my life was far more extraordinary than I had ever thought. I just didn't know exactly what...or why. Yet, I knew what I was called to. So, I ignored. Why? I was disobedient. Ignorant. In the world.

My mom continued to beg me to sit in sessions with her. Out of frustration I agreed to go to one of them. Wouldn't you know, the speaker was Pastor's Wife Diane Coy from Florida. What was she speaking on? The very theme of the conference...being CHOSEN by God to be a pastor's wife. Being CHOSEN by God to fulfill the ministry full time, forsaking all that you are, all that you have for Him, for the ministry, for His people. There was the clear, audible voice again, "You think this will go away daughter? I have called you. You can try and plan all you want...but My plan will prevail. I will do what I plan in you." All I could do was cry.

I knew now, why God wanted me at that conference. I knew why He had told my mother to ask me to come along. (She never asked me! It was always an associate Pastors Wife she asked from our church...never me.) So, I cried. And shook. And kept asking, really? Me? Why? But it wasn't then that I fully surrendered my life to Him. Nope, I was still ignorant. Prideful. Disobedient. I took His words, yet I took them with a grain of salt, and continued in my ways. Stupid. I told my mom what happened. I told her the calling God placed on my life, I told her that I was called to full time ministry. Not sure if that was Pastor's Wife, or Youth Ministers Wife, or what.....but full time ministry. All she could say was, "I knew that's why He told me to bring you....it was so clear YOU WERE WHO I was supposed to bring." Crazy.

The Lord wanted me to go speak to Diane Coy. He kept putting it on my heart to go talk to her about ministry and prayer. "Go, talk to her. Pray with her. Share your heart, I have a feeling she's going to minister to you in great ways. I want you to speak to her." Diane Coy is very renown, in my book. And to speak to someone as highly reputable as her...? I mean...she wouldn't even have time. And she wouldn't even want to, I thought. I prayed. All I could pray was, "Lord, if You want me to speak to her, I will go. I'll go to the Stone Lodge Conference Center building and if she's standing in the main lobby I will go. But if she's not, then You didn't speak to me. That was just my imagination. If she's there...then I really know I'm called to full time ministry. If not, then maybe I'll just ignore it all." 

There was no way she'd be standing in that lobby. She was staying on the way opposite end of town, and pastor's wives who were that renown usually didn't stick around past 10:00 at night to minister to people. They're tired, and they could be up all night ministering if they don't exit at a proper time. So, I walked there. Just thinking, praying, and wondering what my life would be like if I really was called to the ministry. I came to Stone Lodge and I walked up the steps. Diane was standing right in the lobby. I couldn't get over it. I shook. I had tears in my eyes. I wanted to just bawl my eyes out...knowing the calling the Lord placed on my heart.

So, I spoke with her. It was so neat to be ministered to by her, and for her to pray over me. I could tell she knew the calling God placed on my life. I could tell that she knew what He was calling me to do. It was incredible. So...the year flew by and I did end up going to ISU.

But, I turned my life around. I got involved in campus ministry, and it wasn't until the Fall of that year that I fully, 100%, no questions asked, surrendered my body a living, breathing sacrifice unto God. I was willing to give Him all the pieces. Whether He called me into ministry or not. Whether He had me stay at ISU or not. Whether He wanted me a teacher or not. I didn't care...I was HIS, at HIS disposal, to do whatever HE had for me. Well, the freedom, the joy, the peace, the love that I felt...I could never have felt any other time. I forsook all that I had. Friends, boyfriend, desires, dreams, vain things, worthless things...I surrendered it ALL unto Him. You know what it did? Brought me persecution. Friends hated me, they vandalized my stuff, they made fun of me, they were vindictive. It was awful, but I gloried in the Lord, knowing that ultimate surrender and sacrifice meant people wouldn't love me all the time. It meant that I was no longer living for the world, but for God.

It was beautiful. Those hard times were the most precious times in my walk. Oh, how they refined me, grew me, and tested my faith. So it began. The Lord quickly, in three months took the desire for teaching out of my heart, and placed a burning, yearning, and intense passion for the ministry into me. I couldn't just go to church Sundays and Wednesdays, no. I had to live, sleep, eat, breathe the ministry. I wanted more than to just study the Word, but to minister to people, to love people, to serve people, and to serve my God. All the days of my life...forever. Some of my journal entries are so precious to me, because they mark the beginnings of when the Lord planted the seed for full time ministry in my heart.

It was hard. My family wouldn't understand, and they didn't. It didn't take another whole year and half until I left ISU and transferred to Bible College. God continued to make it clear 100% through His word, prayer, people, and that conference a few years back. He continued to remind me, "Trust in Me only. Follow Me only. Seek My face only. You won't be disappointed." And you know what? I haven't been.

No, my parents didn't quite understand, my grandparents didn't understand, some friends questioned it, but all that matters is that I fully surrendered my life, sacrificed everything unto God. I was at His disposal to do whatever He pleased with me. And I was blessed. I AM blessed.

I am still on this road of ministry and I love it. My earnest prayer is that my heart would yearn for His word & prayer, my eyes would only be looking heavenward, my feet would be swift to walk in the steps He's ordained for me, my hands would be diligent to work for His kingdom, and my entire body would be a living, breathing, sacrifice poured out for Him and only Him. There's nothing better.

I encourage you girls....forsake all. Surrender it all. Those things you cling to that God wants you to give up....give up! There is NO GREATER JOY than doing so. Holding on to them only holds you back, brings you hopelessness, keeps you in bondage. By holding onto those things I refused to give up for so long, I delayed His plans for me (even though He does all things perfectly). When I refused to give those things up I wasn't being obedient to His call, and I was miserable. True peace, joy, love, and freedom comes from surrender, and sacrifice. Without such there is no abundant life.

I am so thankful my God does all things according to HIS plan, not my own!


"But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; who once were not a people but are not the people of God, who had not obtained mercy but now have obtained mercy." ~ 1 Peter 2:9-10

life...lately

I would think by the time that the Lord pulls me out of a pit, and sets my feet upon a rock that I will never ever suffer from sin or that kind of specific darkness again. I guess you could say I'm pretty foolish haha. One thing I have learned is that if I don't continue to fully surrender my entire life unto God every single morning, then I will struggle with sin over and over and over again. I'm reminded of my idiocy. I'm constantly reminded that I'm not immune to sin, I can't possibly be vaccinated from sin, and if anything...I'm more prone to fall into sin because I am a child of God.

So, you can imagine how it went after this years Purity Conference. Let me just say, God totally did a work. There were about 30ish girls there, and they ranged from ages 11-18. It was a blessed day. The Lord had really given me the strength to overcome fears, anxiety and nervousness. I was so honored and blessed to work alongside Katie and be able to minister to these precious girls. It was a dream come true...something I had dreamed of. Days prior I was really on my face seeking the Lord for the conference and my heart and Katie's heart. I know how Satan works. I'm a fool, but I'm not completely oblivious (sometimes. HA). I had such a burden on my heart for this generation of women. It was as if my heart ached, and I couldn't stop sobbing for these precious girls. Not only was the Lord totally present with me as I sought Him, but He totally was doing a work in my own heart towards holiness and purity too. I was so thankful. So, as Katie and I got together that morning before the conference we prayed together. It was such a sweet time. Katie had specifically prayed that our hearts and minds would be guarded after the conference. I never really thought about that. I mean, I felt pretty good and strong because the Lord was doing the work. Yet, I never realized that I may be spiritually attacked after the conference. Ha. Little did I know.

The day was most beautiful. God was so good (as usual) to pour His spirit out upon that place. Girls who were socially awkward and shy broke out of their shells. A few of our youth girls who I have known for years and years approached me and thanked me for the work God called me to do. They said that it was so much more impacting coming from a girl near to their age... wow. Never thought of that one, either. The Lord had really blessed that day, and did a work. I remember going up there for my first message. As I began reading out of 1 Peter 1:13-16 I felt this flood of emotion come over me. I don't want to say it was oppression because I knew that the Lord had placed His hand over my entire message. Yet, all I wanted to do, was cry the first five minutes. I was so completely overwhelmed that I was being used, to get up in front of all those women and girls and speak the truth on God's holiness, and His plan for us women. I mean, really? Me? Coming from a girl who struggled so awfully in the past, and still DOES struggle? It is so so so true when they say God uses the weak and foolish things of this world!!!! My voice kept shaking the first five minutes and all I could think of was, "Lord please, get me through this without crying!" My heart was just so desperately burdened for these girls. It broke for them. I had no idea where they were with the Lord, how they walked in their school hallways, or who they pursued more...themselves, men, or Jesus. Yet, I just knew that at that age, I was so far from God no one could save me. I knew that when I was their age I struggled with a lot of self-doubt, self-consciousness, and heavy burdens. I had prayed that God would do a work in their hearts before they're too old to deal with wounds that were gaping. I prayed that they would be spared continually from men who only wanted sex, or men who molested them, or from situations that only led to heartbreak and despair. I don't regret those awful times, though. If it wasn't for them, God would never be able to use me in the ministry He's used me in now. It amazes me that He would take my sin, and turn it around to be used for His glory. I mean...really? What a precious, indescribable Father I serve.

After the conference the Lord had continued to reveal the heart He wanted for me. I so desperately wanted to be used in these girls' lives, but I so desperately wanted my heart to echo God's. I didn't want anything He didn't have for me, and everything He had for me I wanted all of. He gave me 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12. "Therefore we also pray always for you that our God would count you worthy of this calling, and fulfill all the good pleasure of His goodness and the work of faith with power, that the name of our Lord Jesus Christ may be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." I know that whether He calls me to women's ministry, worship ministry, missionary, co-worker, mother, single, whatever it may be..I continually pray He would equip me, and give me the heart that He so desperately yearns for me to have.

The week OF the purity conference I knew that Satan would be strong on the attack. I was praying constantly that God would guard my heart and my mind, and I was so thankful that my hope and thoughts weren't consumed in myself or the world. I had finished my messages and was preparing Tuesday night to go over them for Saturday...then I realized something. My computer crashed three days ago and everything was gone... GONE! I suddenly burst into panic and told my dad and all he could say was, "OH NO!" Coming from a guy who is incredible with technology...that's not a good sign. My mom and dad just kept saying, "No wonder your computer crashed. God is going to use you in big ways.. you're going to change lives." Hearing that always makes me want to crawl in a corner, and bawl my eyes out. The thought of ME, little old me... changing a life for Jesus Christ? It puts me in sheer awe, because I know it isn't of ME that I do anything, but only of Jesus Christ. Plus I hate being the center of attention so that would make me want to crawl in a corner and die. But anyways, it was true. Satan was on the attack and I knew it, but my God kept me so at peace, so calm, because He totally had the whole day under control. Well, my messages were restored because of much prayer, and trust in the Lord. He is so faithful, all the time!

The conference came and gone and by Saturday after the conference that's when it all started. Katie was so right. I had never thought of it before, but really, Satan is so angry that we got up there to share the Gospel and the role of women Biblically to these girls that he was about to take it up not just one notch but twenty. There it came...flooding in. The lies. The desperation. The darkness. The despair. The hopelessness. The whispers and words that I'm not thin enough or I'm not pretty enough or Your future husband won't love you because you aren't good looking enough. Lies such as Your going to die soon. Don't plan on your life. I mean seriously. Really Satan? Even threatening me with death? Bring it on. Well, needless to say it was just the start of an awful week and I gave in. I believed the lies of Satan and kept my eyes way too focused on myself. I was hoping in diets and exercise rather than God and His word/prayer. It only brought me down. I suddenly kept getting sicker and sicker. Every time I ate I was more sick. I was going through a lot and decided I should get an ultra sound and blood work done. I thought my gall bladder had stones or issues. Praise the Lord that it came back totally fine. He is good. Wednesday I got sun poisoning, and Friday I went in for blood work. Saturday I woke up and received the news.

The nurse said that my thyroid isn't working. It also showed that I suffer from celiac disease and lactose intolerance. She said I'll need to take medicine, and be on it basically for the rest of my life. My diet would need to change, and drastically. The foods I so loved all my life were being thrown out. Even little things such as coffee or a cookie. She said this medicine would need to be taken once a week and that down the road it would be hard for me to get pregnant. Not impossible, but hard. Imagine my thoughts. At that moment I didn't really feel much. I mean...it was just my thyroid, no life or death. And it was just celiac disease (which is an easy way of saying I must eat gluten free) and it was only lactose intolerance. Almond milk would be fine to drink! No biggie. For a few seconds I was really fine. I just sat there and praised God it wasn't cancer, or something else debilitating. Then I wondered, was it my fault for all of this? I never struggled with any eating disorders or anything. I also never had any other issues. It started back in March when I got really sick in California. There was a nasty infection going on in my system. The doctor out there told me that if I would have come in any later to see him, it could have gone to my kidney and that could have been it. Wow. Praise God.

I believe it never fully went away, and it really spread to cause more life-term issues down the road. Yet again, God is in control. So, once I got off the phone with the nurse it was like a switch flipped. Satan was laughing at me. He kept telling me that my life was going to be over. I would never have fun. I would never enjoy myself. Those sweet babies I had been so longing for were never coming. I went into a deep state of depression. I was so alone. So empty. It had been that way since last Saturday. Oh, since the Purity Conference? Mmmm FIGURES. In my mind I just wanted to stay secluded. I didn't want to get on my face, I didn't want to open the Word, and all I wanted to do was fix the problem myself. Me me me. Wow, am I really that retarded?

After all these years of fighting with God to take control, did I really think this time would be any different? Satan tried to trap me. He had me thinking that life wasn't worth it anymore, and that trying to maintain a lifestyle of holiness was worthless. I mean, it was impossible anyway. I felt so alone, so why bother? Not in a suicidal way...just with ministry. He's so stupid. So, I did what I knew I needed to do. I got on my face. I didn't care if I had nothing to say, or if I was just going to be silent, or if I kicked and screamed. I knew I needed to get on my face before God and just..... be.

I love that verse in Psalm 46 where it says Be still and know that I am GOD. That's what I pictured. Yet, I was so distracted. There was an awful war going on inside my mind that I couldn't fight anymore. I started to break down and sob. I kept telling God, "Here I am again. Back in this dark place. With more bad news. Why has my health gone down? Why is this happening?" Then there was that still small voice, "Remember last semester when you told Me you were willing to surrender everything in order to bring Me glory?" ... "Yes, Lord." ... "And you gave Me everything...your family, your friends, your job, your education, and even your health." ... "Oh...yes Lord, I remember." ... "So, let Me do what I know is right. I will use it, trust in Me, give it to Me, commit your way to Me. You haven't done that so far. You've relied on your own strength again. Give it all to Me. Surrender all." 

God was right... well, duh. I did pray that prayer. And you know something, I don't regret it for one minute. He will use it all for His glory and He will continue to do it all. My dad continues daily to pray this prayer when I'm around and sometimes when he doesn't know I'm listening, "Heal my baby girl.." But honestly, if this is what will bring God the most glory, so be it. I glory.

I know, I know. You're like, 'gees girl its not like you're dying from cancer. it could be so much worse.' And you're right. It so could! I praise God every moment of every day (so far haha) that He's kept me THIS HEALTHY for this long! I will have to change everything about my lifestyle now. Living gluten-free, and lactose-free isn't easy...but I know that it will be worth it, and that God will do a work in it.

As for the 'hard to have children part'? HA!!! I laugh at that comment. Do you know how many doctors have told my girlfriends that, and how each and every one of them has had MORE THAN ONE baby? Yes, it scares me... but our God is greater than any doctor in this world will ever be. He is the ultimate Healer. There is no one like Him.

As I fell on my face these past few days in brokenness and surrender the Lord was so good and faithful to show me scripture after scripture after scripture of His protection over my life. I can't share them all, because they're so many! But one that He really used to comfort me in times of darkness and lies, was from 2 Timothy 3:14-17, "But you must continue in the things which you have learned and been assured of, knowing from whom you have learned them, and that from childhood you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus. All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work." 

God was so good to remind me that I must go back to what He has promised in those times. I must fall back on the scriptures, it's so important! Another one He gave me as comfort was Psalm 27. What a beautiful passage that is...especially when we are going through trials against Satan and his tactics.

I know this...my life is not my own. I don't own my body, or control my life, or claim it as my own because it's not. It is GOD's life. He has the power to take everything away from me, and He has the power to give anything He wants. I heard a prayer from a dear friend of mine, Lord, if You give me nothing in this life other than the cross of Christ, let that be enough! Wow, shouldn't that be all of our mindsets? He is enough. So the prayer I prayed about surrendering everything, even my health? I must trust Him with it now. Or, when I prayed that He would lead me wherever He wishes? I'm at Bible College now. He so totally knows.

Praying He would continue to use me for whatever He has for me. My life is HIS, not my own. So thankful for all He continues to do.

"For it was fitting for Him for whom are all things, and by whom are all things, in bringing many sons to glory, to make the captain of their salvation perfect through sufferings." ~ Hebrews 2:10

flrting is innocent fun, right?

I think that this topic can go for men and women. Yet, coming from a girl whose life revolved around the opposite sex prior to becoming saved in Christ, flirting was just simple fun. There was nothing dangerous about it, and whenever I had the chance to flirt, I would. Before I became a Christian I took flirting to the extreme. Guys didn't like me because of my love for the Lord, and I even got non-believers to like me. If that isn't dangerous enough. Yet, as I think back to the years prior to knowing the Lord, and even now, I realize that flirting isn't just done in one specific way. Flirting can be done in several, multiple, various ways. And let me tell you, flirting is DANGEROUS. It will not benefit you, it will not fulfill you, it will not satisfy you, and it will not bring you long term happiness.

Ever since I was 12 years old I learned how to flirt. Why not? I was young, attractive, and everyone around me was doing it. In fact, growing up in junior high it was unusual to NOT flirt with someone of the opposite sex. Yet the next six years of my life would prove to be the most detrimental to my growth, and my spiritual walk. It started out with *Joe (names changed haha). We were each others first relationship. I guess you could say it was harmless. We started dating in the 5th grade. yes, I know what you're thinking, really? Fifth grade? Yes. And it was merely innocent.. I guess. We flirted, and there was no physical contact thankfully. Then two years later there was Dan and I guess you could say we were each others for real, first relationship. But...maybe not. We never hung out. I mean, it was the 7th grade... relationships didn't really matter back then. So then we broke up. Then started the one relationship that would change my life the most. 8th grade. Ben came into my life, and I guess you could say that it was seriously, the first serious relationship. Yet, he wasn't a believer. By God's grace, he got saved through my parents, and me. Yet, after the eight month mark our relationship became purely physical. Sure, we "loved" each other. I guess you could say you never really get over your first serious relationship. Not necessarily sure that's a true statement, but whatever. We cared deeply for each other, and with those feelings we added the physical factor. Danger. Once that relationship ended I went out with someone else. This relationship was ONLY physical. There were no emotions of caring there. In fact, he dumped me because I wouldn't sleep with him, molested me, and I am blessed and grateful to GOD that He spared me from more. Even then, He was pursuing me when I did not obey His commands.

I knew what the right things to do were, yet I disobeyed the Lord. I knew I needed to walk away, but I refused. So came my other boyfriend. We dated two years. It was a rocky two years. Started off great, I guess... but the physical came on only three weeks after dating. We should have ended the relationship there, but we didn't. It spiraled out of control. From physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and obsessive controlling.. it was just awful. It wasn't until then, when I was 19 years old, that I said, "Lord, I am done. I can't do this anymore. I know You want me entirely to yourself, and that You want to do a work in me. I rely on men.. that's all I've ever been apart of, yet I don't want to be apart of it anymore. Please, help me. I give all I am to You." 

My fear was that if I gave God all the pieces, He would make my life miserable, and unhappy. So stupid, right? Yet on the contrary...it wasn't until I gave God all the pieces that He made my life the most joyful, the most beautiful, awesome experience, and it's been that way ever since. I was in bondage. I was addicted to my sin. So often we don't recognize we're addicted...but until we let go and surrender all we will never be able to experience abundant life.

See how it all started though? Simply with flirting. At the age of 10 years old, flirting was what got me going on the long, heartbreaking, devastating, rocky road I was about to embark in for the next nine years of my life. Little did I know, that these sufferings and sins were to be used later for God's glory. I praise Him all the more for that.

But what about now? I still fail sometimes at this. See, in my eyes, flirting can go a long way. It can be accomplished through so many things. Long conversations, eye contact, smiles, touching, incessant texting, clothing, time hanging out...I mean, there's so much. I've made the mistake of talking way too long to a guy, bearing my heart way too much to him, and flirting way too hardcore.. then realizing that I'm doing all wrong. I don't have feelings for him, I don't want to marry him, so why am I even taking the time to chat with him or be friends? Seriously though, think about it. Some of you may say, 'Well that's a little harsh... don't even be friends?' Yes, that's what I said. Think about it this way. Has ANY of your friendships with guys turned out just fine? You never had feelings for them, and they never had feelings for you? I disagree with the popular statement, "Guys and girls can be just friends."

Because I know for me, it has never turned out well. So as I continue on in my life and season of singleness, I have fallen, made horrible mistakes, but up'ed my rules and standards with men. I just recently went through my Facebook and clean swept all the men off except for family. I no longer text men every day, every other hour, or at all. Distractions distractions. Your heart goes into those. Let's take a real step back and look at the impact we are having. Simple conversations can make one person think something entirely different than they're feeling. Be cautious.

Unfortunately there's no guide book on how to handle the opposite sex. There's no list of rules and regulations. Some think kissing is innocent, I think it's dangerous. Some say talking for hours on end through texting or phone chatting is ok, but I think that it gives away pieces of your heart you don't even realize you're giving away. Some say that one on one hang out times at the coffee shop or frozen yogurt places are fine, but I think that those are danger zones in leading others to think you're dating. Some people think that watching movies ALONE at someone's house together is not a bad idea. I think it is an EXTREMELY BAD IDEA. You are giving yourselves licenses to fall into temptation! Do not! Do not! Do NOT even go there, friends. I've made that mistake too many times. It never ended well.

Be careful with who you hang out with you, how much you hang out, and how often you speak with that person. Chances are, if you are hanging out with a different guy every single day, what are your motives? Do you see the image you are portraying to others around you? Man, this has been my mistake so so so so many times. See, I care so much (sometimes too much) of what people think of me. Yet, when I make the mistake of only hanging around guys, and different ones every single day, I'm giving people the wrong impression. We are to pursue holiness, and I strongly believe that as women in the Lord we have a high calling not only to protect our hearts, but the hearts of our brothers. What are you doing to them? What have I done to them? I can say, way too much damage. And I am so at fault for that, so sorry for that.

I'm not saying don't be nice to them, or, you can't ever have guy friends. Everyone's convictions are different, but ask yourself: if this is an area you constantly trip up in, maybe you need to reevaluate your motives & actions. That's what I had to do with me.

It all goes back to: where does your hope lie? Who are you resting in? Where are you finding your love? Satisfaction? Fulfillment? Joy? Peace? It won't come from anyone other than Jesus. You can't simply have an abundant life relying on man, for the Word is clear that it says do NOT trust in men, but in the Lord.

I think our generation takes flirting way too lightly. It is a danger. I can say that nothing good comes from it. Pray about it. Ask the Lord to show you what He wants to, if you feel you struggle too. Everyone struggles with this. It isn't just me, or you, or someone else...but everyone. But we must be cautious and careful with the way we conduct ourselves, how we carry ourselves. Your thought shouldn't be, "Man, no guys ever come up to me and flirt with me." But your thought should be, "I am THANKFUL God, that I don't get all those guys." Girls are at major fault too.

Praying that we would all see the dangers in this. We must really be careful with how we conduct ourselves around the opposite sex. There is too much temptation, too much yuck that we could fall into, and should yearn to NOT fall into. The life I lived before Jesus was not a fun life. And it all stemmed from the way I carried myself and conducted myself with men. It all came from the way I gave the attention, which I shouldn't have given them.

Praying we would all be cautious, and that the young ones in our generation don't continually fall into the same bondage I fell into. Such a burden on my heart. I love all my brothers and sisters in Christ. Not one of you I do not like. We're all in it together, growing and walking with the Lord. May we walk WORTHY OF THE CALLING with which we were called.