by faith.

I think so often we as believers think we have it all figured out, don't we? I know for me, sometimes I find myself going crazy over thoughts and plans that I have in my mind. I think 'Well, maybe God will do this...or that..or that He'll plan it this way.' And we think that we know it all. Something we must all remember is that we are NOTHING. We are such low, worthless, scum. I mean, seriously, though. We are. So, we need to be humbled, broken, willing to let GOD make the plans. Don't you think He knows best?

This was shown really evident in my life before I came to Bible College. Aside from knowing that God called me here 4 years ago, I fought and did my own thing for two extra years. I wasn't ready. I thought, "Well, Lord, I know what You want, but I have this all planned out. I'm going to ISU to become a teacher, make good money, and then I'll definitely do ministry on the side. That would be neat." Ha, if I only knew to realize that I was completely wrong. At that time I valued God's desires for me, I loved Him, and I took what He said, but I wasn't willing to really apply it, live it, or surrender everything to Him. So in all reality, I was a two-faced Christian.

We can't simply think that we deserve heaven, eternal life, or peace from God if we aren't willing to surrender it ALL unto Him. There's just no way. We must be willing to surrender it ALL unto His divine purpose. When we plan out our lives, we are only asking for failure. Do you think God will glorify you because you make your own plans? If that was the case then we wouldn't be humble. We wouldn't need help. We would claim we knew it all and had it all together. Where's the surrender and brokenness? It's no wonder God often times calls us to unpleasant places, out of our comfort zones, or to a ministry we never thought we'd be doing in a million years.

It's humbling. And exciting. If you were to ask me 5 years ago if I was going to be involved with worship and youth ministry I would have laughed in your face. I was adamant about teaching. I just hated junior high and high school. I refused to get degrees in those areas. I liked preschool. But, when I began to really seek God, and His face in everything, I am blown away by all He's called me to. It's no wonder He's called me to the one thing I never saw myself doing. It's amazing to me. He has (by His sovereign grace) used me in the lives of girls and women so much. It isn't anything of me, but all of Him. See? I knew that if I pursued teaching, if I had graduated and tried getting a job, I would be destined to fail. Why? It wasn't what God's will was for me. People who didn't understand my decision to come to Bible College don't see this entire picture. Most people think that by getting good degrees and making a lot of money that that is what is successful. Yet, I knew that forsaking all I had planned to follow after God's will for me has been nothing but beautiful.

Sure, it's rough at times. And being at Bible College poses so many scenarios where Satan gets in the way. He tempts, trips, tries to destroy...but my God is greater.

This morning during our first morning chapel the teacher spoke on trusting God, giving Him all the pieces, and allowing Him to do whatever He pleases. That statement made me cringe a bit. Because I knew that before this semester started, I dictated to God what I thought was best for me. "Ok, Lord, I'm going into this semester, and don't allow this to happen. Just keep me away from this. Or that. Blahblahblah." Thinking that I had it all covered and understood. Yet what if God wanted to do something you never imagined Him doing? What if He wanted to speak to you in certain ways, open doors, close doors, use you, or use someone else to minister to you? I didn't take any of those things into consideration. I was just so worried about what I thought was best for me...but I know nothing.

Today as I left chapel I was praying, seeking God to know what He wanted for me. I just kept praying that God would reveal more of His spirit to me. If I can be completely honest, if I had to choose, I'd leave Bible College right now and choose something 'more comfortable'. I would run from the ministry, because I feel so unworthy of anything God calls me to do. But on the contrary, it makes me run to Him all the more. It makes me realize that, ok, I am called to minister to women and young girls. God continues to give me passages in 1 and 2 Timothy about older women being examples in love to the younger. And what's amazing is that I learn from older women in my life, too. I have so much to learn....and I mean so much to learn. I am nowhere close to be 'good' or 'perfect', but I know that I have God as the One who leads and guides me.

Sometimes I just wonder, why did God bring me to Bible College? I remember the months prior to leaving. He made it so unbelievably clear that this was where He had me. Yet, I was so curious. Why strip me away from my family and friends to a place that I have no idea what to expect? I believe God does that to grow us, refine us, purify us, and to trust in His plan. Again, if it was our plan then we would be set up to fail.

I just want to know more of God's heart. I am so blessed and thankful that He continues to show it to me. I want to know Him more, share Him more, and love Him more. I pray that this semester I would be open to whatever He has for me. I pray that He would continue to comfort me in the times when I feel as though I want to run. I pray He would continue to reveal more of His purpose for me while being here. I have been so set on making my own plans, and 'telling the Lord' what should be done. Really? Failure.

Today as I opened up my Word, He graciously gave me Hebrews 11:8-10,
"By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to the place which he would receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going. By faith he dwelt in the land of promise as in a foreign country, dwelling in tents with Isaac and Jacob, the heirs with him of the same promise; for he waited for the city which has foundations, whose builder and maker is God."

I love that. Abraham was FAITHFUL and OBEDIENT to what God had called him to do. Where God had called him to go. Such an encouragement. God did not fail at His promises, but He knew exactly what He was doing when He called Abraham out to a place he did not know. How else would he learn to trust God? I love at the end of this passage where it talks of GOD being the One who builds and lays the foundation. That's how it should be!

May I come to a place of ultimate surrender, ESPECIALLY in those times when I think that God doesn't know what He's doing. He knows everything. Way better than I do. I am so thankful He's brought me to "this inheritance" and this place I'm unsure of. He continues to reveal more and more of Himself to me, more of the ministry I'm called to, and more of His love. I'm blown away and it's only week 1. I praise Him for all His unfailing goodness.