So, you can imagine how it went after this years Purity Conference. Let me just say, God totally did a work. There were about 30ish girls there, and they ranged from ages 11-18. It was a blessed day. The Lord had really given me the strength to overcome fears, anxiety and nervousness. I was so honored and blessed to work alongside Katie and be able to minister to these precious girls. It was a dream come true...something I had dreamed of. Days prior I was really on my face seeking the Lord for the conference and my heart and Katie's heart. I know how Satan works. I'm a fool, but I'm not completely oblivious (sometimes. HA). I had such a burden on my heart for this generation of women. It was as if my heart ached, and I couldn't stop sobbing for these precious girls. Not only was the Lord totally present with me as I sought Him, but He totally was doing a work in my own heart towards holiness and purity too. I was so thankful. So, as Katie and I got together that morning before the conference we prayed together. It was such a sweet time. Katie had specifically prayed that our hearts and minds would be guarded after the conference. I never really thought about that. I mean, I felt pretty good and strong because the Lord was doing the work. Yet, I never realized that I may be spiritually attacked after the conference. Ha. Little did I know.
The day was most beautiful. God was so good (as usual) to pour His spirit out upon that place. Girls who were socially awkward and shy broke out of their shells. A few of our youth girls who I have known for years and years approached me and thanked me for the work God called me to do. They said that it was so much more impacting coming from a girl near to their age... wow. Never thought of that one, either. The Lord had really blessed that day, and did a work. I remember going up there for my first message. As I began reading out of 1 Peter 1:13-16 I felt this flood of emotion come over me. I don't want to say it was oppression because I knew that the Lord had placed His hand over my entire message. Yet, all I wanted to do, was cry the first five minutes. I was so completely overwhelmed that I was being used, to get up in front of all those women and girls and speak the truth on God's holiness, and His plan for us women. I mean, really? Me? Coming from a girl who struggled so awfully in the past, and still DOES struggle? It is so so so true when they say God uses the weak and foolish things of this world!!!! My voice kept shaking the first five minutes and all I could think of was, "Lord please, get me through this without crying!" My heart was just so desperately burdened for these girls. It broke for them. I had no idea where they were with the Lord, how they walked in their school hallways, or who they pursued more...themselves, men, or Jesus. Yet, I just knew that at that age, I was so far from God no one could save me. I knew that when I was their age I struggled with a lot of self-doubt, self-consciousness, and heavy burdens. I had prayed that God would do a work in their hearts before they're too old to deal with wounds that were gaping. I prayed that they would be spared continually from men who only wanted sex, or men who molested them, or from situations that only led to heartbreak and despair. I don't regret those awful times, though. If it wasn't for them, God would never be able to use me in the ministry He's used me in now. It amazes me that He would take my sin, and turn it around to be used for His glory. I mean...really? What a precious, indescribable Father I serve.
After the conference the Lord had continued to reveal the heart He wanted for me. I so desperately wanted to be used in these girls' lives, but I so desperately wanted my heart to echo God's. I didn't want anything He didn't have for me, and everything He had for me I wanted all of. He gave me 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12. "Therefore we also pray always for you that our God would count you worthy of this calling, and fulfill all the good pleasure of His goodness and the work of faith with power, that the name of our Lord Jesus Christ may be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." I know that whether He calls me to women's ministry, worship ministry, missionary, co-worker, mother, single, whatever it may be..I continually pray He would equip me, and give me the heart that He so desperately yearns for me to have.
The week OF the purity conference I knew that Satan would be strong on the attack. I was praying constantly that God would guard my heart and my mind, and I was so thankful that my hope and thoughts weren't consumed in myself or the world. I had finished my messages and was preparing Tuesday night to go over them for Saturday...then I realized something. My computer crashed three days ago and everything was gone... GONE! I suddenly burst into panic and told my dad and all he could say was, "OH NO!" Coming from a guy who is incredible with technology...that's not a good sign. My mom and dad just kept saying, "No wonder your computer crashed. God is going to use you in big ways.. you're going to change lives." Hearing that always makes me want to crawl in a corner, and bawl my eyes out. The thought of ME, little old me... changing a life for Jesus Christ? It puts me in sheer awe, because I know it isn't of ME that I do anything, but only of Jesus Christ. Plus I hate being the center of attention so that would make me want to crawl in a corner and die. But anyways, it was true. Satan was on the attack and I knew it, but my God kept me so at peace, so calm, because He totally had the whole day under control. Well, my messages were restored because of much prayer, and trust in the Lord. He is so faithful, all the time!
The conference came and gone and by Saturday after the conference that's when it all started. Katie was so right. I had never thought of it before, but really, Satan is so angry that we got up there to share the Gospel and the role of women Biblically to these girls that he was about to take it up not just one notch but twenty. There it came...flooding in. The lies. The desperation. The darkness. The despair. The hopelessness. The whispers and words that I'm not thin enough or I'm not pretty enough or Your future husband won't love you because you aren't good looking enough. Lies such as Your going to die soon. Don't plan on your life. I mean seriously. Really Satan? Even threatening me with death? Bring it on. Well, needless to say it was just the start of an awful week and I gave in. I believed the lies of Satan and kept my eyes way too focused on myself. I was hoping in diets and exercise rather than God and His word/prayer. It only brought me down. I suddenly kept getting sicker and sicker. Every time I ate I was more sick. I was going through a lot and decided I should get an ultra sound and blood work done. I thought my gall bladder had stones or issues. Praise the Lord that it came back totally fine. He is good. Wednesday I got sun poisoning, and Friday I went in for blood work. Saturday I woke up and received the news.
The nurse said that my thyroid isn't working. It also showed that I suffer from celiac disease and lactose intolerance. She said I'll need to take medicine, and be on it basically for the rest of my life. My diet would need to change, and drastically. The foods I so loved all my life were being thrown out. Even little things such as coffee or a cookie. She said this medicine would need to be taken once a week and that down the road it would be hard for me to get pregnant. Not impossible, but hard. Imagine my thoughts. At that moment I didn't really feel much. I mean...it was just my thyroid, no life or death. And it was just celiac disease (which is an easy way of saying I must eat gluten free) and it was only lactose intolerance. Almond milk would be fine to drink! No biggie. For a few seconds I was really fine. I just sat there and praised God it wasn't cancer, or something else debilitating. Then I wondered, was it my fault for all of this? I never struggled with any eating disorders or anything. I also never had any other issues. It started back in March when I got really sick in California. There was a nasty infection going on in my system. The doctor out there told me that if I would have come in any later to see him, it could have gone to my kidney and that could have been it. Wow. Praise God.
I believe it never fully went away, and it really spread to cause more life-term issues down the road. Yet again, God is in control. So, once I got off the phone with the nurse it was like a switch flipped. Satan was laughing at me. He kept telling me that my life was going to be over. I would never have fun. I would never enjoy myself. Those sweet babies I had been so longing for were never coming. I went into a deep state of depression. I was so alone. So empty. It had been that way since last Saturday. Oh, since the Purity Conference? Mmmm FIGURES. In my mind I just wanted to stay secluded. I didn't want to get on my face, I didn't want to open the Word, and all I wanted to do was fix the problem myself. Me me me. Wow, am I really that retarded?
After all these years of fighting with God to take control, did I really think this time would be any different? Satan tried to trap me. He had me thinking that life wasn't worth it anymore, and that trying to maintain a lifestyle of holiness was worthless. I mean, it was impossible anyway. I felt so alone, so why bother? Not in a suicidal way...just with ministry. He's so stupid. So, I did what I knew I needed to do. I got on my face. I didn't care if I had nothing to say, or if I was just going to be silent, or if I kicked and screamed. I knew I needed to get on my face before God and just..... be.
I love that verse in Psalm 46 where it says Be still and know that I am GOD. That's what I pictured. Yet, I was so distracted. There was an awful war going on inside my mind that I couldn't fight anymore. I started to break down and sob. I kept telling God, "Here I am again. Back in this dark place. With more bad news. Why has my health gone down? Why is this happening?" Then there was that still small voice, "Remember last semester when you told Me you were willing to surrender everything in order to bring Me glory?" ... "Yes, Lord." ... "And you gave Me everything...your family, your friends, your job, your education, and even your health." ... "Oh...yes Lord, I remember." ... "So, let Me do what I know is right. I will use it, trust in Me, give it to Me, commit your way to Me. You haven't done that so far. You've relied on your own strength again. Give it all to Me. Surrender all."
God was right... well, duh. I did pray that prayer. And you know something, I don't regret it for one minute. He will use it all for His glory and He will continue to do it all. My dad continues daily to pray this prayer when I'm around and sometimes when he doesn't know I'm listening, "Heal my baby girl.." But honestly, if this is what will bring God the most glory, so be it. I glory.
I know, I know. You're like, 'gees girl its not like you're dying from cancer. it could be so much worse.' And you're right. It so could! I praise God every moment of every day (so far haha) that He's kept me THIS HEALTHY for this long! I will have to change everything about my lifestyle now. Living gluten-free, and lactose-free isn't easy...but I know that it will be worth it, and that God will do a work in it.
As for the 'hard to have children part'? HA!!! I laugh at that comment. Do you know how many doctors have told my girlfriends that, and how each and every one of them has had MORE THAN ONE baby? Yes, it scares me... but our God is greater than any doctor in this world will ever be. He is the ultimate Healer. There is no one like Him.
As I fell on my face these past few days in brokenness and surrender the Lord was so good and faithful to show me scripture after scripture after scripture of His protection over my life. I can't share them all, because they're so many! But one that He really used to comfort me in times of darkness and lies, was from 2 Timothy 3:14-17, "But you must continue in the things which you have learned and been assured of, knowing from whom you have learned them, and that from childhood you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus. All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work."
God was so good to remind me that I must go back to what He has promised in those times. I must fall back on the scriptures, it's so important! Another one He gave me as comfort was Psalm 27. What a beautiful passage that is...especially when we are going through trials against Satan and his tactics.
I know this...my life is not my own. I don't own my body, or control my life, or claim it as my own because it's not. It is GOD's life. He has the power to take everything away from me, and He has the power to give anything He wants. I heard a prayer from a dear friend of mine, Lord, if You give me nothing in this life other than the cross of Christ, let that be enough! Wow, shouldn't that be all of our mindsets? He is enough. So the prayer I prayed about surrendering everything, even my health? I must trust Him with it now. Or, when I prayed that He would lead me wherever He wishes? I'm at Bible College now. He so totally knows.
Praying He would continue to use me for whatever He has for me. My life is HIS, not my own. So thankful for all He continues to do.
"For it was fitting for Him for whom are all things, and by whom are all things, in bringing many sons to glory, to make the captain of their salvation perfect through sufferings." ~ Hebrews 2:10
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