It all goes back to almost four years ago. That's when it all started. A living sacrifice unto the Lord. I knew that walking in righteousness is what I should have been doing, but I'll admit that I wasn't. I was walking in the ways of the world. I was dating an unbeliever, hanging around the partying scene, being rebellious, and living a life completely disobedient to the Lord and His commands. Yet, I knew that still small voice. I knew what He wanted from me, I was just unwilling to surrender. Do you know what that did to me? It kept me in bondage. It kept me miserable, unhappy, anxious, fearful, totally desperate and lonely.
Some people think (I know I did...) that when God wants them to sacrifice the most dear thing to them, they'll be unhappy, lonely, and unfulfilled. Yet..on the contrary. When we sacrifice those things most dear to us that the Lord requires from us, we gain freedom, surrender, contentment, joy, love and peace. Why does He do those things? Because there's something way better for us. Don't believe me, fine. But trust me when I say, GOD KNOWS BEST. He always has, He always will, and He always does.
So, four years ago I was clinging to a broken, ungodly, miserable relationship. I was clinging to the wrong crowd because I felt like I had no one else. I was clinging to the world rather than Christ, because I thought that I was way too far off to come back to Him. I was at community college and I had my whole life planned out in front of me...or so I thought. God had given me a love for children, and a desire to be a teacher. I had already been working in our school district for three years, and all the teachers and principles I worked with kept telling me that I had a for sure position once I graduated. I got good grades. I focused on school. Amidst all the craziness and desperation going on in my world, I studied hard and I got a 3.7 GPA. I applied to Illinois State University for their teaching program. Anyone who knows anything about ISU knows that it is one of the hardest schools to get into for teaching. It's the best in the state of Illinois. So, you can imagine my joy and excitement when I got in! I was thrilled.
My mom had begged me to go with her to the Pastor's Wives conference out in California at the Bible College. I'll be honest, I always loved the Bible College..my brother went there, and when I was there I felt a sense of home. I felt like that was where I truly wanted to be. In fact, that was my first option when I was a senior in high school, but my ex boyfriend almost broke up with me because I desired to move to California, so what did I do? Didn't go. So two years later imagine my excitement when my mom asked me! I was a little taken back, I mean, I wasn't close with the Lord at the time, and I was super convicted. So I thought, "I'll go, but I won't sit in any sessions. I'll just chill at the coffee shop and catch up on homework." Truly, one of the biggest reasons I went was because it was California, vacation, in October! I was thrilled. Plans were all ready and set to go to Illinois State University that next year. I was so excited.
My mom just kept telling me, "I don't know why, but I know the Lord wants you to come with me to this years conference." Yeah, ok, mom. Whateever. (I was so rebellious) So, I went. Bible College was just as I remembered it. People were friendly, the atmosphere was amazing, and in the deepest pit of my heart I secretly desired it. I saw how everyone walked. I saw people studying the Word. I wanted so desperately to walk away from the life I was in and turn back to Jesus....all the while He was calling me. He was calling me to forsake all that I had in that moment to just come away with Him.
The theme of the conference that year was CHOSEN out of the book of John. "You have not chosen Me, but I have chosen you." Such a great verse. My mom really begged me to go to sessions with her, but I didn't want to. She just kept earnestly praying for me. Not sure why. (I was really dumb back then) I remember sitting in the coffee shop, catching up on homework I was missing while being away. It was then that the Lord spoke so clearly to me. I'll never forget it. It was the start of a new beginning in my life..even though it took me a little while longer to get to where He wanted. It was the most precious voice. "This is your calling. You will end up here. I have called you to the ministry. Not for fun, not here and there, but full time ministry. You are called to forsake everything and follow after Me wholeheartedly. You planned your life, but I have better plans for you. You are called here..to Bible College, to ministry, and to seek My face forevermore."
I'll never forget it. I just sat in my seat, amazed, barely breathing, thinking, 'No way...me? Ministry? Bible College? Yea, right. What will people at home think of me? I have plans to go to ISU, get my teaching degree, and become a teacher. Lord, I'll do ministry part time...here and there at ISU, but I have to get that degree and do what I've planned to do...it's too late.' So, I just kept going. Yet I couldn't forget that calling... it was a calling like any other. I knew then that my life was far more extraordinary than I had ever thought. I just didn't know exactly what...or why. Yet, I knew what I was called to. So, I ignored. Why? I was disobedient. Ignorant. In the world.
My mom continued to beg me to sit in sessions with her. Out of frustration I agreed to go to one of them. Wouldn't you know, the speaker was Pastor's Wife Diane Coy from Florida. What was she speaking on? The very theme of the conference...being CHOSEN by God to be a pastor's wife. Being CHOSEN by God to fulfill the ministry full time, forsaking all that you are, all that you have for Him, for the ministry, for His people. There was the clear, audible voice again, "You think this will go away daughter? I have called you. You can try and plan all you want...but My plan will prevail. I will do what I plan in you." All I could do was cry.
I knew now, why God wanted me at that conference. I knew why He had told my mother to ask me to come along. (She never asked me! It was always an associate Pastors Wife she asked from our church...never me.) So, I cried. And shook. And kept asking, really? Me? Why? But it wasn't then that I fully surrendered my life to Him. Nope, I was still ignorant. Prideful. Disobedient. I took His words, yet I took them with a grain of salt, and continued in my ways. Stupid. I told my mom what happened. I told her the calling God placed on my life, I told her that I was called to full time ministry. Not sure if that was Pastor's Wife, or Youth Ministers Wife, or what.....but full time ministry. All she could say was, "I knew that's why He told me to bring you....it was so clear YOU WERE WHO I was supposed to bring." Crazy.
The Lord wanted me to go speak to Diane Coy. He kept putting it on my heart to go talk to her about ministry and prayer. "Go, talk to her. Pray with her. Share your heart, I have a feeling she's going to minister to you in great ways. I want you to speak to her." Diane Coy is very renown, in my book. And to speak to someone as highly reputable as her...? I mean...she wouldn't even have time. And she wouldn't even want to, I thought. I prayed. All I could pray was, "Lord, if You want me to speak to her, I will go. I'll go to the Stone Lodge Conference Center building and if she's standing in the main lobby I will go. But if she's not, then You didn't speak to me. That was just my imagination. If she's there...then I really know I'm called to full time ministry. If not, then maybe I'll just ignore it all."
There was no way she'd be standing in that lobby. She was staying on the way opposite end of town, and pastor's wives who were that renown usually didn't stick around past 10:00 at night to minister to people. They're tired, and they could be up all night ministering if they don't exit at a proper time. So, I walked there. Just thinking, praying, and wondering what my life would be like if I really was called to the ministry. I came to Stone Lodge and I walked up the steps. Diane was standing right in the lobby. I couldn't get over it. I shook. I had tears in my eyes. I wanted to just bawl my eyes out...knowing the calling the Lord placed on my heart.
So, I spoke with her. It was so neat to be ministered to by her, and for her to pray over me. I could tell she knew the calling God placed on my life. I could tell that she knew what He was calling me to do. It was incredible. So...the year flew by and I did end up going to ISU.
But, I turned my life around. I got involved in campus ministry, and it wasn't until the Fall of that year that I fully, 100%, no questions asked, surrendered my body a living, breathing sacrifice unto God. I was willing to give Him all the pieces. Whether He called me into ministry or not. Whether He had me stay at ISU or not. Whether He wanted me a teacher or not. I didn't care...I was HIS, at HIS disposal, to do whatever HE had for me. Well, the freedom, the joy, the peace, the love that I felt...I could never have felt any other time. I forsook all that I had. Friends, boyfriend, desires, dreams, vain things, worthless things...I surrendered it ALL unto Him. You know what it did? Brought me persecution. Friends hated me, they vandalized my stuff, they made fun of me, they were vindictive. It was awful, but I gloried in the Lord, knowing that ultimate surrender and sacrifice meant people wouldn't love me all the time. It meant that I was no longer living for the world, but for God.
It was beautiful. Those hard times were the most precious times in my walk. Oh, how they refined me, grew me, and tested my faith. So it began. The Lord quickly, in three months took the desire for teaching out of my heart, and placed a burning, yearning, and intense passion for the ministry into me. I couldn't just go to church Sundays and Wednesdays, no. I had to live, sleep, eat, breathe the ministry. I wanted more than to just study the Word, but to minister to people, to love people, to serve people, and to serve my God. All the days of my life...forever. Some of my journal entries are so precious to me, because they mark the beginnings of when the Lord planted the seed for full time ministry in my heart.
It was hard. My family wouldn't understand, and they didn't. It didn't take another whole year and half until I left ISU and transferred to Bible College. God continued to make it clear 100% through His word, prayer, people, and that conference a few years back. He continued to remind me, "Trust in Me only. Follow Me only. Seek My face only. You won't be disappointed." And you know what? I haven't been.
No, my parents didn't quite understand, my grandparents didn't understand, some friends questioned it, but all that matters is that I fully surrendered my life, sacrificed everything unto God. I was at His disposal to do whatever He pleased with me. And I was blessed. I AM blessed.
I am still on this road of ministry and I love it. My earnest prayer is that my heart would yearn for His word & prayer, my eyes would only be looking heavenward, my feet would be swift to walk in the steps He's ordained for me, my hands would be diligent to work for His kingdom, and my entire body would be a living, breathing, sacrifice poured out for Him and only Him. There's nothing better.
I encourage you girls....forsake all. Surrender it all. Those things you cling to that God wants you to give up....give up! There is NO GREATER JOY than doing so. Holding on to them only holds you back, brings you hopelessness, keeps you in bondage. By holding onto those things I refused to give up for so long, I delayed His plans for me (even though He does all things perfectly). When I refused to give those things up I wasn't being obedient to His call, and I was miserable. True peace, joy, love, and freedom comes from surrender, and sacrifice. Without such there is no abundant life.
I am so thankful my God does all things according to HIS plan, not my own!
"But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; who once were not a people but are not the people of God, who had not obtained mercy but now have obtained mercy." ~ 1 Peter 2:9-10
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